The ghost of a mother

Yesterday I chatted with Ely. She is on holiday, but on a strange kind of holiday. She in on a pilgrimage. I think this is something I would like to do as well, but I have not been away for about 15 years. No holidays since 2000. No, because I have to take care of my parents; and between 2000 and 2010 I was mostly in hospital. My mother reproaches me to be selfish and a disgrace, but she does not know how much I would need a break from all this. Something like a pilgrimage, maybe. Walking all day with a remote destination, something that has to do with faith and taking a break from the daily routine. A time to think and to be with oneself and with God.

I might be hard with people, sometimes I judge “normalos” because they seem lucky and everything in their lives is so easy. But they do not realise it, and somehow some of them realise to be blessed. Ely wrote me that she is thanking God for everything she got in her life, and I think this is a very wise attitude. She recognises her luck, and this made me think that she deserves it, because at least it is not wasted luck. My mother, on the contrary, does not recognise the luck she has, and she is casting a shadow on the life of her daughter (me) just because she wants to take a revenge on her mother who did not love her. My grandmother was selfish, she did not love my mother and just placed her in families and schools to get rid of her. She wanted to have time to spend with her many lovers. She told my mother that the only positive thing she ever did in her life was me. Not that my mother was able to do many positive things in her life. But a mother should be loving, supporting and caring. My grandmother was not. So, my mother turned from abused into abuser, and now I am the focus of her revenge. She sees her mother in me, and she hates me with all her heart just because I live.

I confess, very often I think about how my life would be without my mother. If she happened to stop existing. That would be a blessing. I would be free. No more insults, no more humiliations, no more living in a prison, I could do whatever I want to. What I want to do is studying, and working, and sometimes going on holidays. She is the worst thing that ever happened in my life, and I wish my father had never married her. He is too weak a man to take my defence, he is a coward. And he chose a woman who manipulated him all his life long.

I do not remain because of my father. Honestly, I do not really care about him. If I ever had a concrete chance to go away and to live my life, I would go. But the ghost of my mother is always present.