The forgotten date

Tonight I dreamt of Saby. Well, I have not talked about her for ages. I had totally erased her from my mind, until a dream last night brought her in my thoughts again. Saby is a woman I met about… uhm, maybe two years ago, on a website for lesbians. She seemed to be a good match at the beginning, so that I decided to meet her in real life. She lives – at least, she lived at that time – at the other end of the province, but she came to my town one evening to have dinner with me. I met her once and never again. 

The date with Saby was difficult. Let’s say I was not in the position to start a relationship with anybody, let alone with someone like her. I never go out in the evening. To explain to my mother that I was going to meet someone for dinner, I had to say that I was going to meet an ex fellow patient from The Castle 2009. A woman of course, since my mother did and does not know I fancy women as well and I did not want her to think I was going to have a romantic evening. Telling this lie made me nervous and anxious. My family is well known in town. Many people know me. Acquaintances of my parents. I only hoped nobody was going to see me and recognize me. Even if, apparently, I was having dinner with a woman and nobody could hear what Saby and I were talking about. 

The date started in a strange way. We met at the railway station. She had a very shabby appearance. I would not say that she was not attractive; just untidy. We went to town, it was too soon to eat so that we chilled around for a while. We spoke about our lives. Saby is about ten years older than me. She had already had long lasting relationships with women, and she knew what she wanted. The fact that my family was so dysfunctional and oppressive seemed to go on her nerve. She kept on repeating over and over again that I had to rebel, that I had to leave my parents and find my way in life, that I could have survived even without my family. Well, amen on this. I know. But I love my family, despite the fact that it is dysfunctional and not perfect at all. I started thinking, if she speaks to me in this way at our first date, how would she speak to me if she were my girlfriend?. 

After going around for a while, we had dinner. Saby complained about everything, from the food to the service. Ok. I hate people with a negative attitude, especially when there is nothing really to complain about. I noticed she was wearing a ring, and she noticed I was wearing a ring. I explained that my ring was a friendship ring I exchanged with Marvin years before. I tried to explain my strange relationship with Marvin, maybe a best friend, a confidant. Then, she explained why she was wearing her ring. It still was her engagement ring to her previous girlfriend, with whom she shared five years of her life. This situation very much reminded me of another one: the relationship between my beloved Kerstin and her ex girlfriend Vera. If there is a reason why I could never win Kerstin’s heart at the time we got to know each other, it is because she was still dwelling in painful memories about Vera. And Kerstin was wearing her engagement ring to Vera as well. Of course I did not mention Kerstin to Saby, it would have been a lack of tact, but for a short while my thoughts indulged in memories about that perfect beauty, as pale as Death and as dark as the Night… I think I will never meet someone as beautiful as Kerstin. 

During the whole dinner, I kept fearing my mother could call me. Saby noticed I was nervous, but I justified myself saying I was just a little nervous because I was not accustomed to meeting people I know online. At some point, the only thing I wanted was to go back home. I had seen enough of that woman to be sure I did not want a relationship with her… but she had another opinion about me. I have to admit that I was scared. The whole meeting with Saby had been an act of disobedience towards my mother in the first place. Saby never got a fair chance from me. At least, not the same kind of chance Kerstin got. Just that Saby would have deserved a chance much more than Kerstin. 

As soon as I got home, I think I wrote an entry in this diary. Later on, Saby called me. She had just got home. She felt that something had gone wrong. During the following days, she tried to flirt with me and contacted me on every occasion; but I did my best to keep distant. She became insisting. 

I still remember that I rushed things a lot while approaching Saby online. Nowadays I know that there is no place for a relationship in my life, no matter if I want it or not. Two years ago, I was still hoping, and looking in the only place where I could meet people: online. I contacted Saby first, I started chatting with her first, I suggested exchanging e-mails and eventually I suggested speaking on the phone. She suggested meeting, but the point of no return had been reached already. Before meeting, we would talk a lot on the phone, exchange text messages and e-mails, and everything seemed so perfect and incredible to me that I thought I had found the perfect partner. Well, there is no such thing as the prefect partner. Moreover, having a relationship with Saby would have implied telling my parents openly that I like women as well, and behaving like an adult, which I cannot. It was a teenage crush, just like all other crushes of my life. The fact is also that it is impossible for me to have a relationship because my family does not allow it. The trio "mom – dad – me" is not open to strangers, and it will never be. I can have a closer contact with Marvin because I am here, and he is there, so that he does not endanger our family structure. Marvin is also a good alibi for me: whenever I get asked the question if I am in a relationship, I can answer that I have Marvin… 

… but I miss not having a man or a woman at my side sometimes. A lover. A soulmate. Someone to make love to. Someone to share life with… someone to fall asleep with in the evening.<span style="font-family: 'Bookman

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