The force of evil

So, after a long pause I find time to write again. Not a lot happened. My classmates have been on holiday, they reported about their journeys, we happened to chat on WhatsApp occasionally but I do not desire to have more contact than necessary – I am starting to dislike people more and more every day. In the past, I always thought loneliness was a curse, now I think it is rather a blessing. I have my demons, they keep me busy and I do not have either time or energy for more contacts. Also, the surrounding world is so disappointing – I guess I do not fit in.

I live in a child’s world. Maybe I never grew up, I still have the needs of a little girl: to please my mother, to obey every order, to laugh at childish things, to draw things and give my drawings to people I love – even if they are the drawing of an adult and they are quite good ones, if I can say so, giving my drawings is for me the same as it used to be in primary school, when I used to sketch something and give it to the teacher just to please her. Even my ethical sphere never grew up. I am narcissistic, and I do not have the feeling that human life deserves respect in any case. I just obey the law, because I do not want to lose my freedom. Like children, I live according to the principle that if you help me, I will be grateful and help you in return; if you make a tort to me, I will give it back to you, with interests. So, when I think of people like rapists or pedophiles, I do not see the reason why I should not be allowed to kill them to avenge their victims. Someone should do it, and this should be the State; since the State does not do it, well, I would be glad to be allowed to.

I have this strange relationship with blood, homicide, desire to die, to kill, to hurt. I am a totally normal person, if you speak to me you do not notice I have voices in my head, nor that I have homicidal thoughts for the half of the time. I would not say I am full of hate, I am just aggressive, in general. I do not hate, I do not even hate my mother, who insults me every day despite the fact that I do everything for her. I am aggressive. I am out of place. I met one of my first psychiatrists last week, one who cured me when I was in hospital. She is very proud of me, she considers me one of her biggest successes. From the isolation cell to University, well, that is a long way. Still, she does not understand me. I showed her a drawing. It is a man, sitting on a bench, with a hole in his head, and blood flowing out of the wound. She was not very happy. She said that this is sick, and I was about to reply that this is me, I am sick. My drawings are all one the same wavelength. I was never cured, I just learnt how to work in a world that does not accept the ones like me.

I believe in God. But I do not believe that there are no other forces working on this universe, and I believe that there is a strong force of the evil. Many of God’s priests are pedophiles, while condemning homosexuals. Well, I do believe that they do serve the evil. I am a lesbian, a sinner, I have been an adultere, I am a liar and an opportunist, but I am better than most Catholic priests. I believe that the forces of the evil are many times hidden behind this thing we call religion. This is the reason why I never go either to church or to confession.

With that being said, I think I will end this entry and switch to accounting. I have the exam on September 11.