The curse

Next week I will have 4 exams in 5 days. It will turn into an exciting experience.

Still, I just ask myself why this world is the world of opportunities for other people, and never for me. I dream of a PhD, and I am struggling to find ways to give my future some sort of shape. Talking with my dear friend Ely, I got to know that she received an offer from the Professor with whom I wrote my Bachelor thesis for a PhD as a research assistant. Fine. I am happy for my friend, but once again, someone else has been blessed and I remain here, with hopes and dreams, while everybody around me gets chances and opportunities.

I talked about it with Doctor Livio, my only master (apart from Jesus, but that is a different story). I was so overloaded with grudge, revenge feelings, aggressiveness. I dislike feeling this way, I loathe competition and I never thought I could find myself in competition with someone else apart myself again. I just would like to know why I am cursed, while my mates are blessed. The worst problem Ely ever had in her life was her cat’s death last year.

I do not know what I want. I am enthusiastic, even if life gives me all reasons to be depressed. I still wake up in the morning, even if life would give me thousand reasons to end it all. I have resources, and paradoxically my first resource is schizophrenia. My world, the one I obviously created inside my mind and is present in form of hallucinations is the only one I fit in, and every day I decide to live one more day just because this is a world where I am accepted, loved, considered, blessed. My demons are creatures of the finest kind, and would never do to me any injustice. It is a world where I am given respect and a fair trial. I know what I deserve and I know my value. I do not suffer from low self-esteem anymore, because I have demons telling me every day that the insults of my mother are just rubbish. And the injustices of the world just injustices. My demons do not grow old and sometimes I feel like them, as if time had no effect on me. I am still a 15-year-old girl, trapped in a 37-year-old body. My body degenerates like every human body, but my mind never moved from that time.

I will give this world good reasons to remember my name.