Swimming upstream

Today I feel empty. Maybe it is due to the fact that my time here is expiring so quickly. To be honest, I no longer want to be in a hospital. I no longer need doctors and nurses. At the same time, I really do not need a smothering mother keeping a watch over me. Yesterday, my mother and I had a very open talk on the phone. I begged her again to speak with Doctor Livio. She refused to do so. She is very contradictory, because if she considers him a quack, then why does she want me to see him every day before he goes on holiday in August? Let’s forget for a moment the fact that Doctor Livio doesn’t even have the time to see me every day, and we will have our usual therapy sessions twice a week, but if she thinks that he is an idiot, why should I see him so often? 

My mother said that during this period in hospital she lost the esteem she had for Doctor Livio. She got irritated by the fact that he said, at the moment of my admission, that he wanted me to call home just three times a day. My mother took it as an offense, as if Doctor Livio were trying to separate me from my family. This is a very delicate situation, and maybe Doctor Livio was a but clumsy on that occasion. He said with quite an authoritarian tone that he wanted me to be away from my family, free from that strict bound to my parents. It was a mistake. My mother is not the kind of person to whom someone can speak in this way. On the other hand, we can’t accept her rules forever without trying to change things. The problem is that the one who has to bear the reprisals of such mistakes is me. Yesterday, she asked me if I am still satisfied with Doctor Livio’s therapy, or if it upsets me. Well, therapy is sometimes a little upsetting, as we discuss very delicate topics. It is mostly liberating, but it gives always things to think over. After therapy, for example, I mostly feel the desire to write in my paper diary. To be alone for a couple of minutes. My mother usually asks me what I discussed during therapy, and I lie to her telling her that Doctor Livio and I discussed about how poor a woman she is, with her many pains all over her poor body, and that I have to be a good girl and not to drive her nuts. In reality, we mention my mother only to see how insane she is. Yesterday, my mother said to me that she is no longer satisfied with Doctor Livio’s therapy – as if she were in therapy and not me – and that she is going to be much more attentive and critic from now on. This means, my tranquillity came to an end. She will try by whatever means to destroy my trust in Doctor Livio, and even if I know she won’t manage to do it, all this will mean that I will swim upstream. 

The problem is that I am tired. I am a fighter, but I am so tired. Maybe I am a coward, but I really can’t disobey my mother. I can’t face her withdrawing affection. So I already know that everything will be the same as always, my mother ruling the family and my father and me obeying. I feel a coward because if my father has the excuse that he is an old man and can’t imagine living in a different way than the way he has been living for 50 years, I am young and I could change things. I can’t change my mother, but I could change myself. Still, I don’t have the strength to do so. Everything I want to do is to curl up in my bed and sleep… yes, this is what I’m going to do now. I want to stop thinking. 

Much love to everyone, and take gentle care of yourselves.