Sad acknowledgements

I spent the last 2 days in bed with the flu. That annoys me, because I like work and I do not have much time to finish what I have begun – my stage lasts only 3 months. Of course, if a project is not finished I will stay even for a couple of weeks longer. But I dislike wasting my time this way. I will see my doctor at 4 pm, meanwhile I realized that I need to quit smoking. For every single cigarette I smoked today, I felt unwell after. I felt as if I was smoking just to get the nicotine, and not because I wanted to enjoy the cigarette (which is otherwise always the case).

I am a person with some sort of strict discipline in life. When I want something, and I want it enough, I do whatever is possible to try to get it. Not that I am always successful, that would be too easy; but I give my best attempt to accomplish the task.

I strictly need to quit smoking, and for two weeks I strongly reduced calories intake. That is going well.

This is just a way like any other to distract me from the main problems affecting my life these days. My mother is growing more and more aggressive. I wait for the moment I leave to go to work just not to be force to interact with her for a few hours, and I fear the moment where I will come back home. Everybody says that my parents are lucky to have me, since I do really care about them. I clean the house, I do the dishes, I do the laundry, I cook, I take them to the doctor, I do everything; but still, my mother complains about every single move I make, because everything is interpreted like a lack of respect. She wishes me unwell, because “I will think about her when I will suffer in the same way she suffers”. That is very painful for me, because I am unloved by the person I love maybe the most, after all. I know, rationally, that she is just affected by dementia; feelings run on a different runway, though. Feelings do not understand the rational way. Feelings just keep praying for me to be loved by my mother.

Also, my mother told me that I am lucky not to have a boyfriend or husband – she does not know I love women. She said that she will protect me against having a partner. So… why should I pay the price of my father being a scarce husband and not making her happy? I told my mother that this situation is sad enough as it is, that I would like to marry and that it is a pity that I am late to have children. I do not wish children, but my mother does not know, and as a mother she should wish me a nice and lovely husband and a happy family, actually. I am just her nurse, and if I ever married she should hire another nurse. I am being used. And that is not really what I expected from my family.

With that being acknowledged, I leave for today.