July 17, 2018

Perversion

*Trigger alert: violent content*

I need to stop doing intellectual work. Just for some time. I am focussing on my master thesis, since I need distraction from my family and, maybe, from myself. I love being surrounded by books, articles, much paper and a lot of work to do. This is my shelter. The only one I know.

I had a long talk with Doctor Livio. Self-harm is there again, I am into it like in the good old days. I know I do not do it for attention, or because I need to feel alive. It is like sex. It is a kick. I just like it, I like it like many people like having sex. It releases joy, happiness, peace, tranquillity, harmony, and love. I do not even feel the pain, I just feel well. I also have delusions regarding to it, such as seeing people covered with bleeding cuts going around. I know it is just me seeing them, because they would capture people’s attention. But nobody seems to notice them. They are beautiful. I think I am definitely perverted, I never get sexually aroused unless I can think of cutting someone else’s skin and sharing what I like the most. Of course, I am not going to do it.

I am tired, so tired.

Princess Sparta

I use to cut. I loved to watch the blood flow across my skin. I did NOT do it for attention. It was personal. It was private. I was in a dark place in my life and it brought me a feeling that I needed. I thought I needed. I haven’t self harmed about 11 years or so. However, I think about it and I want to almost everyday.

Snarkle

I used to self harm. Not cutting but other things. It was an odd situation for me. Different from yours. Self punishment.

2 replies

@snarkle I think part of my cutting was me punishing myself for what others had done to me.

@princessxaurora Mine was punishing myself for mistakes I made (intentional or unintentional). I had to abuse myself because Daddy was dead and couldn’t do it.

truthseeker1

I never did it for attention either I sat in the psychiatrists office the other week and drew blood -she said nothing Maybe I will do it again next week I do it for myself no one else