Part of me

I am sitting in the dark, I just cannot stand the light. I emailed Doctor Livio yesterday, and told him everything I wrote here. I know I can tell him everything, he is the only person in real life whom I have not to lie to. He knows me maybe better than I know myself. If I want his help, he deserves the truth about me. And I want his help, desperately.

I am on a dating site, and sometimes I get notifications about women who visited my profile or women who would be a good match. I got a message today, from a woman in the French speaking part of the country. It was just a “like” and a first contact. I checked her profile. She sounds pretty, she likes humour, Woody Allen, and a lot of things I can relate to. Then I read something that punched me in the stomach. There is a voice saying “things you would never do”. She wrote, “willingly hurting someone”. This is already the beginning of the end. I thought that she is a person who has a moral. I do not have a moral. I might believe in Jesus Christ and love Him, but I lack a moral. That ethical concern that makes you feel bad when you do something wrong. I do not have it. I know what is right and what is wrong because I have a shared common ground with my fellow human beings, and I know what is permitted by the law and what is not. Also, I believe in the Decalogue and I know what is the law of God… You shall not murder. You shall not steal. You shall not commit adultery. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour. I already stole, committed adultery, and lied to authority. And I have no remorse, apart from the awareness that actually, this is against the law of God.

I happened to talk on the phone with the doctor who took care of me during the half of the time I was in hospital. I am regularly in contact with her. She considers me a success, because I managed to get a Bachelor at University and I am apparently totally normal. Since I called her once I had the chance to speak freely, that means, when my parents did not have the chance to spy on me, I told her honestly about my family situation and about how I really am. She showed some concern. She asked me if I could kill my parents. No, I could not. I do not love them enough to kill them. I have no desire to get in trouble for them. She also feared I could commit suicide. The danger is always there, sometimes I would like to end it all but again, I am way too attached to life to go. We talked about repentance. If I happened to kill, or hurt someone, would I repent? Surely I would feel exalted. I am sorry if this sounds strange to you. Exalted. As I once told a doctor in hospital, I feel as if this were my only purpose on heart. Many women are here to bear children and give life; I am here to take lives. I know that this is wrong, so I do not do it; but I desire to do it and I would not repent.

I always refused to treat my neighbour as an object. But actually, there are many people I really cannot see as subjects. I despise them. For example, Doctor Livio has a young patient, whom I know well because we were in hospital together. She is a young, unattractive, vulgar, sexually perverted bitch. She has only one way to relate to the male sex: taking men to her bed and sexually use them. I could never see her as a subject, and killing her would be neither right nor wrong, it would be neutral. It is maybe horrible to say, but she has no qualities. Such people should not even exist. Maybe someone could think the same of me, but I am narcissistic enough to think I have some potential. That girl has not. She could be the object of my perverted games, and I would feel no repentance in using her for my goals. Horrible, I know, even if I cannot feel it.

I guess it is better if I remain alone, and share my life with my demons. They are in my mind and they give me what I need. I fear the world and I fear myself. It is part of me.