Pansexual

According to Wikipedia, Pansexuality is described as "sexual attraction, sexual desire, romantic love, or emotional attraction towards people of all gender identities and biological sexes. Self-identified pansexuals may consider pansexuality a sexual orientation, and refer to themselves as gender-blind, asserting that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others. 

Compared to bisexuality and other sexual identities, pansexuality (due to the prefix –pan) is the sexual attraction to people of all sexes and genders. Bisexuality, due to the prefix –bi, is sexual or romantic attraction to two sexes (males and females) or two genders (men and women). Using these definition, pansexuality is different in that it includes people who are intersex and/or outside the gender binary. Pansexuals can be attracted by cismen, ciswomen (meaning cisgender), transmen, transwomen, intersex people, androgynous people and everything else. It is generally considered a more inclusive term than bisexual. It must be kept in mind, however, that although the term’s literal meaning can be interpreted as "attracted to everything", people who identify as pansexuals do not include paraphilias, such as bestiality, pedophilia, necrophilia, stressing that the term pansexuality describes only consensual adult sexual behaviors. 

I have been thinking over my sexual identity a lot over the last few weeks. Actually, since I have been admitted in The Castle. Prior to this time, there was an event which very much upset me: Emma having her first child. It was March 25th. I went to High School with Emma. She is one year older than me, and married since two year to a very caring and loving husband. She has good parents, she has a University degree in archaeology, she is many things I would like to be. I’m not just envious, even if there may be a spark of envy within my soul, I am just sad I can’t have what she already has. So I asked myself, what could I do, actively, to get there where Emma is? Because if I don’t do anything to change my life, my life isn’t going to change itself on its own. So I started questioning my sexual taste. I like women, that’s for sure. But I don’t dislike men either, as well as I didn’t dislike having an affair with a transgender the last time I was in The Castle, in 2009. If I desire a child, it involves having a relationship with a male partner, and if I think of it I notice that I would like to have it. I crave for a caring and loving husband like the one Emma has at her side. On the other hand, at this very moment of my life I couldn’t stand being touched, as well as having sexual intercourse. Maybe it is so because I haven’t found the right person for me yet, and things will change when time for it will have come. 

I don’t view myself as bisexual, maybe because I don’t care if the person I love is male or female or trans, they can be whatever, it is the heart that matters and not the shell. The body of someone can be attractive whatever gender they are. I look for someone who is ready to share their life with me in a very serious and loving way, and I am aware of the fact that being my partner is not an easy task. I am very much complicated. But beside it, I can be very devoted and for the one I love I could even take the Moon down the sky if they ask me to. I hide behind indifference and coldness but I am a warm heart. If someone disappoints me, I lose interest in that person, and my indifference steps in to protect me. But as long as someone deserves my love, I do everything for them. 

My thinking over my sexuality made me discover that, among all definitions, the one which fits the most is pansexuality. I went myself through several phases in my life in which I had troubles identifying myself as a"woman". I was rather a "butch-like tomboy". I was in Basel at that time, in love with Kerstin and with no contact to my parents. This last thing allowed me to explore my true self freely. I used to wear men clothes, mostly black, and I had a sort of punk haircut which was meant to be for men. Kerstin was the same, and sometimes we were taken for men. Let’s say that I am a little more shapely than Kerstin, so that I rarely was taken for a man, but Kerstin was like an ironing board, skinny and flat, and sometimes I had to look twice to see that she wasn’t a guy. I felt like a man in many things, especially in my relationships to women I wanted to play the man’s role. Only after my first hospitalization in Doctor Flower’s ward I started wearing women clothes again. I found contact to the female part of myself again. To be honest, I don’t think I am entirely female, I have some male features too, typical male features like the instinct to fight for a woman; or to protect a woman or a man (as I am doing with Paolo; I protect him from injustices and I take care of him). On the other hand, I have the typically female desire of having a child. 

It is still very confusing. I might need to sleep over it. Tomorrow I’ll have a long day. Take gentle care of yourselves.