Out of the dark

*Trigger alert: violent content*

Today I had an appointment with my GP. Just a check-up and electrocardiogram. For the electrocardiogram, I needed to take off my shirt. That was a problem. I managed not to cut on my arms, since I am terrified by the idea that my parents could discover I am back into my self-harm routine. But under my t-shirt, my body is a battle field. I felt very ashamed and embarrassed because of the nurse. She saw my cuts, and I hate it when strangers see something that belongs just to me. She remained cool and professional, she did not make stupid remarks or made me feel uneasy, but that was a terrible moment. I was relieved when I left and could shoot loud music in my head through my headset… I listened to Falco. “Muss ich dann sterben, um zu leben”. Out of the dark, one of the most beautiful songs ever.

I chatted with Nika, a girl I met on the dating site, with whom I have been in touch for months but share no interest apart from a friendship. I spoke with her about that situation. She knows a lot about me, she always asked me about my perversions and I know some of hers. At the beginning of our friendship, we wanted to meet; I had a crush on her and she on me. Then, she discovered the true me and gave up her interests on me. In the end, she is a psychiatric nurse. I do not think she wants to play the nurse in her spare time with an insane girlfriend after a day at work with her patients. She is interested in my perversions, anyway. Must be some kind of voyeurism. She always asks very detailed questions and I answer honestly, I do not think that behind the mask of anonymity I still have to hide something.

I am back into self-harming and, honestly, I do not really think I desire to stop. Imagine someone would tell you to stop having sex. Or to stop having the thing that gives you the highest pleasure. Many people love sex, they have a partner and spend nights loving each other, feeling one and the same. Many have fantasies, they try things and know what gives them pleasure. They explore. I started finding pleasure in harming myself when I was 13, and also as a child I loved scratching my skin or making little cuts with scissors and similar objects. It is peculiar, every time I know of someone harming themselves I try to dissuade them from doing it, to stop before it becomes an addiction. But I do not do anything to dissuade myself. It is an addiction already, and if I have to be honest it is my only pleasure in a day. It is deviant, not culturally accepted, so that I hide it. But I do it because I like it, and I do not want to deprive myself of something I like. Very simple. The only thing that I complain about is that I cannot share it, because it will be very difficult to find a partner who likes the same. A girl who would like me to cut her and who would like to cut me. Most couples have ordinary sex, and this is horrendously boring.

With that being said, I think I need to sleep a couple of hours since tomorrow I have a long day of work. I am writing my thesis and studying for an accounting exam so that I need some rest.