One year less

I have been studying accounting for hours. I managed to develop enthusiasm for it, so that it is not too hard to sit on my desk and focus on it. Now I need some rest, my mind is tired and I cannot work well with a tired brain.

I got a couple of messages on the dating site, especially from a French speaking woman who seemed interested in what I do and bothered to show to care about me. Well, I know that I should reply more often to her, but honestly, I am becoming more and more asocial. I have always been asocial, but this is intensifying now. I hate being around people, and I hate being compelled to speak to people in real life. I like computer- or phone mediated communication, I like writing and drawing, but I dislike talking to people. I can do it if necessary, but as long as I can avoid it, I do so. I might be deleting my membership on the dating site. Useless. I do not want a girlfriend, or, at least, I would like to have a relationship over the distance where we communicate only via computer and we never meet. I do not wish to meet anybody, I could never stand kissing, cuddling, having sex, living together, sharing the same bed or being around every day.

Tomorrow it is my birthday. I celebrate one year less of life. I dislike birthdays, they are nasty. People just remember your existence on your birthday because Facebook reminds them it is your birthday, they send you a short message and then you do not hear from them for another year. The few friends I have are not here, we are scattered all over Europe so that I cannot even take them out for a drink to forget. I am stuck here. My godfather and his wife took me out for dinner on Friday, and it was a nightmare. They asked me about University, and about my future. At least now I can be proud of myself, I have a Bachelor, I managed to make something out of my life. But my future is uncertain. I hope to do things that other people will surely be able to do, but that are likely to be precluded to me. They asked about holidays. I have not been on holiday for more than 10 years. I have to take care of my old parents, no time for holidays. They asked about my parents, and somehow they got what is going on: I am the servant and the baby-sitter of two cantankerous old people who take me for granted. No wonder I grew up as an asocial.

I will go back to my studying. In silence and solitude.