Nothing allowed

It has been a long time. I just wanted to pop in and say a few words. Many things happened, or maybe nothing at all. My mother was operated, she was 10 days in hospital and actually it was more a psychiatric stay than anything else. She is on Haldol now, but, of course, she wants to stop the therapy. For a short time, she was even a decent human being. I knew Haldol makes wonders.

I am facing exams right now, four are gone, two more to do. My last session, though considering I withdrew from two, which means I have two in September. It is ok, I also got to know who is my friend and who is not. In the time of need, only Axl was on my side. I consider him the only friend I have, and so I took the decision to mention him as my only heir in my last will. Humans are cruel, we can decide to do good or do evil, we are free. But we mostly decide for the evil. It is not even their fault, they are made like this.

Sometimes I think that my life is made out of renouncing many things. I have not been on holiday for more than 10 years. I cannot go out in the evening. I cannot leave home, not even for one day, because my parents cannot be without me. I do not have spare time, because when I am over with my chores I have to start doing my mother’s chores. I cannot have a girlfriend. The last point hurts very much. I cannot have a girlfriend because I am not allowed to have a relationship tout court on the one hand, and because it would be with a woman on the other hand. I do not miss the sex or the status symbol related to a partner. I just desire to share my life with someone who is ready to accept my love and who is ready to love me for what I am. I am on a dating site, sometimes I get messages and have short interactions, but somehow they all fail to become something because no relationship can develop if I am not allowed to meet the other person, to talk on the phone, or to have some more communication than e-mails and chatting online. I have to hide, and I am so scared before I take an exam at University because I feel as if by having success or failing I were demonstrating to myself and to the outside world if I am worth something or not.

Well, I hope I will be rewarded for my patience, may I be pardoned for my arrogance. I will contact you all as soon as possible, I apologize for my long silence and I will be back in a few days.