Never judge

While on the way to University, I met Gaia and Mickey sitting in the bar where students often met after the lectures. We sat for a while together, waiting for 4.30 pm to come. Gaia was somehow judgemental on me, because she thought that the only reason why I still live with my parents is because I am not financially independent. Well, I have my own money. I am even quite rich, if I may say so. I inherited. Not my merit if I have the money, but I do not need my parents’ financial support. Mickey warned me that if I do not come out to my parents, I will regret it in the case they die and they will never know. Well, my parents hate homosexuals. My father compares homosexuals to pedophiles, he says that it is the same kind of aberration. My mother is always repeating that a gay son or daughter is the worse thing that can happen to a parent. And I should come out? I will carry my secret, forever, until I will leave and build my own nest somewhere, alone, or with a girlfriend.

Gaia said that she could never be single. She needs to share things, she cannot enjoy things alone. She would never go on holiday alone, for instance. I think that this is a big weakness. You cannot rely on others, may they be friends or a partner. I enjoy loneliness. I am not in bad company when I am alone. Maybe because I am accustomed to being alone. When I happened to have a partner for a long time I honestly hated sharing night and day with her, I needed some freedom and if I ever had to share a flat with a partner I would insist on having separate rooms. With the possibility to sleep in the same bed, of course, I enjoy te cuddling and the sex, but when I need my loneliness I want to have the chance to have it.

Gaia had a severe depression and she knows what it feels like to be in psychiatric treatment. I told her that I am in therapy since 2000. She said that it is not a good thing to be in treatment with the same therapist for such a long time. Dude, I have this therapist only since 2010. Somehow, I felt judged upon without being taken seriously. Nobody has the right to give advice on my life without even knowing me.

Gaia and Mickey are homosexuals who can live their homosexuality without any problems. Their parents know, they are ok with it, Gaia has a girlfriend, Mickey has a lover, but all I can do is living in the shadow of something I am not and pretending to be someone who pleases my parents.

My exam… I do not know how it went. I could have done better. But I have severe problems with numbers and calculations, a neurological problem. I have the next control of it at the end of the month, but I refused to have it certified even if I could have had some special arrangements at the exam. I will go my way at the same conditions as all my classmates. I passed maths and I passed statistics, so maybe there is a chance I will be blessed with a sufficient grade, if God wants to. Now I am just tired, I studied that damn accounting for one month almost without seeing anything else than those exercises, and I just want to enjoy these few days until the beginning of the new semester to do whatever I please.

With that being said, I will smoke the last cigarette of the day and switch off.