Near Death Experience

I was in Basel, with Marvin, and we were walking along the Rhine. I still lived in the students dormitory, but I had already signed the papers to move into the therapeutic community where Marvin was living already. We were together and not together. Not really boyfriend and girlfriend, something in between, even if we used to sleep together on a daily basis. He would pretty much enjoy it, after years of zero sex drive. I was just over my relationship with Horny Boy, where I had been forced to hard sex every day many times a day, and the sweet and caring way in which Marvin used to make love to me was a balm for my body and soul. We stopped at the Cargo Bar, a sort of tavern on the Rhine, and we drank a beer. It was in the evening, and we were just enjoying the sunset and the tranquillity of our solitude among many people drinking, clubbing and partying. Suddenly, I started feeling very anxious. I don’t know why. One only thought popped into my mind: I want to die. I looked at Marvin, lost in his inner world – I can guess when someone is lost in an inner world, since I have one myself. I didn’t want to upset him, so I just told him I wanted to go back home and kissed him good bye. 

I came back to the dormitory. I locked myself in my room and started analyzing my feelings. Maybe overanalyzing them. I wanted to call Doctor H, my therapist, but I feared he would just sent me to hospital without even listening to me thoroughly. I wanted to call Athena, but it was 10 pm already and I didn’t dare disturb her. It was just me, myself and I… and my demons, but I didn’t listen to them. Eleuterio was speaking, but I don’t even remember what he was saying. Sometimes, when I want to do something, he can scream as loud as he wants to, I do it, even if it is wrong. I know the stuff is poison but I gotta have a taste. I think I was going psychotic. I didn’t have a family which I could have asked for help, because at that time I had no contact to my parents. It was a couple of days before my birthday, by the way, and maybe this was the reason why I decided to try to do what I tried to do. 

At that time I was on Seroquel, and I used to have my medication at home. I happened to have a full packet of Seroquel 200 mg pills (if I remember well), which means about 100 pills. I swallowed them all. One after the other, I swallowed them all. It took me a while, but I really wanted to end all my pain and suffering. I thought, mistakenly, that this was the best way out. After taking the pills, I lied myself on my bed and started waiting for Death to take me home. But I soon noticed that it was not that easy. I started hearing voices. I heard Marvin’s voice telling me "It’s beautiful, so beautiful…". And then, I felt as if I had to vomit. I was numb, but not that numb not to picture that sooner or later I would have vomited and maybe I would have suffocated in my own vomit. I would have ended my life without dignity. I was convinced that I would have simply slept forever. But the voices in my head started getting dreadful and my nausea intense. So I pulled my forces together, and dragged myself to emergency – I was lucky, because the dormitory was just near the provincial hospital. 

Once there, I rang at the door and just said "I took too much Seroquel…" and then I fainted. I don’t remember anything of what happened afterwards. I guess they pumped my stomach. I was away. 

Three days later, Marvin visited me. I was still on intensive care. I remember only partially what happened during those days, but I can remember that Marvin told me that they had to fight for my life. While awakening, I spoke only in Italian and nobody would understand what I was saying. I wanted to go home, then I wanted to see Kerstin and asked about her…to put it in a nutshell, I was restless and they had to keep me quiet with medication. After the fourth day, I was sent to the psychiatric hospital. There, I met Doctor Flower for the first time, even if I don’t remember anything. I went psychotic again and I don’t remember what I said; the day after, Doctor Flower’s assistant told me that I had defined my mother as a "hypochondriac monster" and that I did not want to have contact to my family since they controlled me everywhere I was. That was a little paranoid, even if in many ways my paranoia was justified. My parents still want to control my every move, and if I am paranoid, maybe it is because I grew up in an Orwellian family and the only thing missing are the telescreens. 

I was in hospital for a couple of weeks. In the isolation ward. I spent my birthday in hospital, but I was given 4 hours to go out and eat with Marvin in a restaurant. While I was with him, my parents called me on the phone to wish me a happy birthday. I told them straight, "I am in hospital because I attempted suicide.". They were astonished. Maybe they never took me seriously. They never understood how deeply I was suffering. We spoke for a while, and then my mother, before saying good bye, asked me if she could call me again a couple of days later. I was not enthusiastic, but I said "Well, ok.". This was the moment in which I resumed contact to my parents. Notice, I had to to try to kill myself to have their affection again. 

This is my story. I think I never wrote it down, not even in my paper diary. I know that somewhere I should have a testament, stating that I disinherit both my parents and the legal reasons why I do it and in which I state that Marvin is my only heir. Nowadays I would of course tore up that testament, but I don’t know anymore where it is… 

Much love to everyone, and take gentle care of yourselves.