My worst enemy

I had my first exam today. The second and last one of this mid-term session is tomorrow. Please keep fingers crossed for me.

I finished my exam in the half of the time available. So did Ely. At the moment I handled out my exam sheets to the Professor, she said to me that she wanted to tell me something, as she had observed my behaviour in class and also during the presentation we performed a couple of weeks ago. She advised me to be far more self-confident than I am. She assured me that I have the knowledge and the competence to give far more value to myself than I do. I was speechless, since this is not the first time a Professor tells me that, and this happens at University, in a world of grown-up people. I mean, at middle school or high school I would understand this kind of talk. If this happens now, and in a moment in which I feel like a 37-year-old trapped in a teenager’s mind, this is a reason of concern for me.

I think about my future. At my age, I should already be living my future. My present should be my future. But everything in my life is delayed, and I still live with two cantankerous parents who take my presence for granted. I do not wish to stay here forever, and I fear the moment in which I will leave University. Of course, I have my projects. Long-term projects. But I need to sort out short-term wishes. For instance, where would I like to work? Where could I send applications, what could I enjoy be doing? This is far from saying that I will be doing what I desire to, but it is time to think concretely about working, about shaping a future that is no longer remote.

Next year, I will have to work for one semester. A stage. This means that I will be going to work in the morning and I will come back in the evening. This means that I will not be able to tell my boss that oh, I am sorry, today I cannot come to work because my mother has an appointment. Or because my father has to go to the bank. I do not even know how to address the problem. My parents should be ashamed of the fact that I think of this as a “problem”. I should be enthusiastic, full of energy, of pride, because my life starts now. I do not know what to do instead.

Lately, I have been feeling like getting numb, in the evening. I crave for the moment in which I will take my evening medication, and then my night medication. Just because I know this will make me feel numb and prevent me from thinking.

Sometimes I think that Schizophrenia is not my worst enemy. When my mother smiles, then I see the face of my worst enemy.