Missing sex?

I have not had sex in ages. Really, the last time I slept with a woman was more than 5 years ago. Wonder? No. I do not really miss sex, I never had a huge sex drive. But sometimes I wish I had a partner to share intimacy as well as daily life.

My mother behaves towards me not as towards a daughter. She treats me like a jealous lover. If I happen to go to University at 10 am in days where I have lectures only in the afternoon to study together with my classmates, she accuses me to go to my “lover” to have sex behind her back. As if I had to do it behind her back, with 37. If I had someone to have sex with, I would go to her in the evening, we would spend the night together, surely not resolve everything with a quicky at University at 10 am in the morning. My mother should ask herself why, with 37, her daughter still does not have a partner. A male partner, as far as she knows, but a partner. My classmates are 15 years younger than myself, and their parents ask them about their boyfriends or girlfriends. They tell them “would it be not better if you had a boyfriend / girlfriend?”.

I lost my virginity to a man with 22. I thought I wanted to do this experience and I was aware to be a lesbian, but everyone had a partner and I could not allow myself to have a girl because of my parents. It was horrible and painful. I had an almost 3-year-long relationship with that man, he lived far away and we mostly met during the weekends. I hated the sex. When my mother got to know I had sex with him and we shared the same bed, she called me a whore and a bitch, so that I discontinued the contact with her for years.

Every time she suspects I have some sex-affair, she tells me that my lover, whoever he is, is using me to get to my money. As if a man could not like me, but just what I have. Well, I do not think so. I have enough self-esteem, nowadays, to know a man or a woman can fall in love with me as a person.

I think that as a young girl i might have suffered a lot because of these humiliations, but nowadays I know my value. I am precious, and I will find a precious woman.