Long live the new flesh

Exams are over, thank God. It was a very difficult time. Not really because of the exams, I am accustomed to them after 4 years at University. I am a Master student, I know how to handle such situations even if the adrenaline and the panic before you face the examiners are always there. The problem is my family. My mother belittles me in everything she does, she makes me feel useless, unwanted. She makes me feel guilty for everything. I am guilty because I did not have tome to take her to the hairdresser, because my father is deaf, because I have a Bachelor – yes, she did not even come to my graduation. It was the most important day of my life. I have been ill for ten long years, struggling with schizophrenia, and I always dreamt I could get a degree. The day in which the Dean handled me my Bachelor attest the only person who was there, to see me get it, to witness my success, was my psychiatrist. Doctor Livio was there. He renounced to all appointments in the evening to attend my graduation ceremony. He is the only one I would like to have as a father. When I came home, after the ceremony, it was as if I had just been charged with murder: my mother did not even mention my success, I cooked dinner, I felt almost ashamed, and the evening was pure stress until we all went to bed.

Last week there was a Pride here. For a small town such as Lugano it is a big event. It was a big party, love was in the air, tolerance, happiness, the parade was cheerful and colourful. Many gay couples but also straight couples, with children, and many famous local actors and TV presenters. I could not attend the Pride, because my parents consider it perverted. They consider homosexuals against nature; gay sex is useless because it does not lead to procreation, so they allege. Well, in humans sex is also devoted to giving and taking pleasure, maybe my parents do not know that. Even straight people do not always have sex to have children. We all have sex for the pleasure to have intimacy with our partner, may it be a woman, a man, a non-binary, and all the possible gender identities that exist. I do not want to exclude anybody. So even straight sex, if people use contraception, is useless, because people are not trying to procreate? This is ignorance and blindness. I liked the fact that people brought their children, to make them aware of diversity and to make them aware that if they discovered, one day, to be gay, or bisexual, or whatever, this is not a shame, but just a way to live one’s own sexuality. There is nothing right and nothing wrong, it is just the way we are. Nobody should ever be discriminated for who he or she is, as long as he or she does not hurt others.

I do not think my father was a great lover. If he considers sex devoted just to having children, he might have caused deep frustration in my mother. He is also very selfish, so I think that when “he was finished”, he did not really care that my mother had her pleasure as well. He thinks that he knows the world and people, just because of his old age, but never have I seen such an unwise person as him. I wanted to give him a lecture about pleasure and sex, in the very moment he was accusing homosexuals to be against nature, because he does not have a clue. I am a lesbian, I am young, and I know much better than him how to make a woman happy.

I am off now to watch some David Cronenberg movies. I love his movies because they are dirty. They entail many implications on media, body transformations and the scenes are characterised by overbearing dirtiness. I am a clean person, I have a clean house, I tidy my spaces regularly, but my mother compels me to clean her spaces as well, and to do it frantically. So, every time I have to clean her house and to make it aseptic like a hospital, I need some Cronenberg shots to dirty my mind again. Yesterday I watched “The dead zone”, and then “The fly”. “Videodrome” is my favourite movie ever.

Long live the new flesh.