Life and memories

I had lunch with Professor Cristina. I told her that Professor Sara is likely to offer me the chance of making a PhD, but that she proposed looking for a media-professor to have a co-coaching, since my curriculum is mainly focused on media studies. Well, Professor Cristina immediately offered me her help. She is the most wonderful person I know and I admire her deeply. It would be a dream to write my PhD there, and to be coached by her too. I admire both Professor Sara and Professor Cristina. They are women who managed to have their admirable position in a world dominated by men. They are brilliant academics. They are everything I would like to be myself.

I contacted Doctor Livio. I needed a pause from him. Lately, therapy has been useless. I am always repeating the same things: my mother is abusive, my father is passive, I struggle to get through my academic way, and I would like to move out but at the same time I know that the two bastards who generated me cannot live without me, and I would feel guilty if I left them. Always the same old story. And Doctor Livio has no answer, no spell, nothing; he is just a man, not a wizard. Also, I found in him a grain of that typical arrogance of medical doctors, who think they are something better than others just because of their degree in medicine. I have experience also with medicine students; they feel as a better part of the human race. I dislike this attitude, they are nothing better, and if there were no patients, they would have no job, so fly down. Doctor Livio is a handsome, intelligent man, and he damn knows it. His being handsome does not really touch me, there is nothing in a man I could ever find attractive; his being intelligent is fascinating; but his knowing it is absolutely awkward. At the time I had no self-esteem, his attitude quite impressed me; nowadays, I find it a little ridiculous. I am accustomed to psychiatrists, they always treat you with a little compliance. “I-know-it-better”-like. That does not work with me. I can be critical towards Doctor Livio, maybe he thinks to be perfect but he is not, and I damn know it.

On Saturday I have an exam in media law. I will be happy when it is over. Tomorrow I will be studying with Axl, and this is something I look forward to. He is one of my best friends, I appreciate him and when I am with him I almost forget my family. My family is something I would like to be able to forget forever. I am not alleging that I would like to lose my memories, but removing from my brain the abuse, the humiliations, the moral slaps in the face. To let it all behind. And go on with my life, now that it is eventually turning interesting and worth living. My parents are not part of my life. They definitely excluded themselves from my life the day in which they did not come to my Bachelor graduation ceremony. Doctor Livio was there, and Professor Cristina told me that she would have come, had she known. My parents decided not to come. They waited at home for me, I had to cook dinner and they I was not even allowed to mention I had graduated. Well, I remember. The only way to forgive them would be forgetting them, and only the Gods know what the future will be. I hope to have a long-lasting memory forever, I need it. But as far as my parents are concerned, I wish to forget them. I wish them out of my life.

With that being said, I renew my prayer for Order, Truth and Justice.