Karma

***Trigger warning***

I am forced into long sleeves for the next few days… I slipped into bad habits, or good ones, it depends on the point of view. Cutting is not a bad habit for me, it is on the one hand disruptive since I damage my skin, but on the other hand a pleasure. I am a smoker, and I do not think that cutting is worse than smoking. Just less socially accepted.

Every time I think about the past in hospital, I feel the urge to harm myself. Today, we were talking about a “friend”, Irina, who used to be close to me at the time I was a law student. I say “friend” because she turned out to be even worse than an enemy. She was beautiful, rich, selfish, self-centred and successful. I admired her because she had good academic results. She had a boyfriend, Aleks, whom she had conquered by paying him new cars, jewellery, and even the study.

As long as I was a normal, successful law student, she remained my friend. But one day, she visited me in hospital. She was disrespectful, she despised me, and she made me understand that I was out of her world of perfection and richness. For a moment, my world collapsed. I went in the park, and I slit my wrists. I thought that being out of the circle of Irina was like being out if everything, because she had been my mentor for such a long time.

I was bleeding all over the place as Boris, a gay guy who was in the same ward as me, came across, as this was the spot where we use to go every evening to smoke a joint together. He was angry at me, on the one hand for what I had done to myself, on the other hand because I had chosen that specific place to do it. He took me back to the ward, and I was brought to emergency for medication. I was admitted for a couple of days into the closed section, since I was suicidal.

More than 15 years have gone by, and I learnt that Irina married Aleks and is now happily divorced, since he “borrowed” (read: “stole”) her money to open a business in Croatia and then disappeared, somewhere over there, with her money and another woman. Irina may be an outstanding lawyer, but she is depressed and at the moment she is not working. She lives alone, with all the pain money can buy. Am I sad for that? No. You get what you give. 

Irina always thought to be superior, that everyone else had to be jealous of her being brilliant and rich. What does she have now? The only thing such thoughts still have the power to do is bringing back sad memories, memories of people I would like to meet now, to get my revenge, to see me having reached my goals in life, such as my Bachelor, my successes, my “normality”. I am full of anger, of grudge, for what those false friend have done to me, for the pain the caused me, for kicking me in a corner of their lives instead of giving me their help and understanding. They were happy because I was a wreck. Karma returned the favour. 

I firmly believe that there is a principle regulating that you get what you give, and that there is no God whatsoever reigning with wisdom and love from heaven. The only maker of your destiny is you, and yes, Karma is your own work. To return injustice, is you working hard against forces that might be stronger than yourself. There is only one maker of your destiny, and this is you.

With that being said, I will close the doors of the day and get ready for a new tomorrow.