Insecurity

I do not even know how I am feeling these days. I started my stage, things are going actually well. I am alone most of the time, I have to say that I work independently, when someone is around they are nice to me and the atmosphere is relaxed and friendly. Loneliness is fine, I enjoy traveling alone along the path of life, may it be at work, studying or in whatever aspect. My mother finds the way to complain about my stage, she feels down and is needy and depressed; I would be happy if my schizophrenic daughter, who spent more than 10 years of her life in psychiatric hospitals, found a way to have a Bachelor degree, to go on and try to get a Master degree, and now had a job (even if it is a stage for 3 months, and I am still a student, actually). Her being depressed just because I work is a sign, once again, that she does not care and she does not love me. She even said that I work too much, while I have normal office hours and I never take work at home. Doctor Livio is enthusiastic and said to me that all this is doing me good.

I wrote several e-mails to Professor Sara, who had envisaged to offer me a position as a PhD candidate, but she did not reply. This is worrying. She might have changed her mind, but in this case, she could tell me. Her silence is worrying, because she is usually a very nice and honest person. I fear someone might have told her negative things about me, but this I maybe just my paranoia whispering in my ears. In any case, Professor Sara is a fanatic Catholic, so that she might have changed her mind about me if she had got to know that I am a lesbian, or that I do not go to Church, or similar things: I learned, in my life, to never trust fanatically religious people. Bigots are the most false people one can cross on his/her way.

Maybe I am just insecure about my future. My mother’s dementia is growing stronger every day, my father is very old, I do not have certainties on anything. Sometimes I repress these thoughts and focus on stupid things just to distract myself. I try to pretend to have my life under control. Well, while  I suppose that nobody has his/her life under control, I guess that many have the tools to go through life with some know-how and determination, enough to support themselves in times of need. I do not.

With that being said, I go back to work; I still have time for a cigarette, and then I need to focus on my tasks.