I remember

First day at work at the conference. Things went ok, I felt not at ease most of the time since Professor Gabriel and Doctor Ben are not among my sympathies. They are among the organisers, and feel very important. Maybe they are. I try to be nice to Professor Gabriel, but he is an arrogant know-it-all, with many good connections though, so better not have him as an enemy. In fact, he preferred Ely, and she is as arrogant as he is. Maybe overly ambitious, life still has to show her how negative it can be. She never really suffered, and so Professor Gabriel. I saw Death right in the eyes, they have no clue. To discourage me, you need to kill me.

I had lunch with Professor Cristina. I renounced to the volunteers’ lunch for free, and I returned her invitation. I hope my eyes were not all too heart-shaped. She knows how it is like to suffer, I can sense it. She has another sensitivity, she is someone who knows life, not just the subject matter of her academic research. This is why I admire her. She knows much, and she knows even more. One of my colleagues asked me why she always greets me in such an informal and warm way and why we always chat when we meet, if we have a “close relationship”. Of course not, just in my dreams. She supports me. She knows me, she gives me wise advice, and I appreciate it, I take it as a gift. She does not discriminate me because of my mental illness or because I am older than my classmates. Or because I am a lesbian. She is the only one professor who knows about it. I am quite delayed with outing, my classmates know but nobody else. I remember that some time before I came out to my classmates, I gave to Professor Cristina a file I wrote about the story of my psychiatric life, quite detailed, in which I also explained my discovering myself being homosexual. She was quite impressed and replied that she wanted the whole document, but at the time I did not trust her so much, so that I never gave her the full file. Anyway, she is maybe one of the first people I ever came out to at University. And she was relaxed, did not express fear, judgement, despise, she was fine.

I was thinking about a thing today. Be kind to me. You will not be kind to someone ungrateful. Be an asshole to me. You will regret it. I swear revenge against all those who have hurt me, hurt me right now and will hurt me. For every offence given, there will be an offence returned, equally strong. I remember. Je me souviens.