Fair trial

Well, I am sitting in class, unable to follow whatever is being said. I was playing with the dating site application, since there is a woman who messaged me five times today and I thought that this was the right distraction to tinker with right now. She is physically not the kind of woman I like; also, she has another background and we would have never been a good match. She likes sex in the first place, she is of the opinion that sex comes first, then love, and then a relationship. I think exactly the opposite way: first a relationship starting from a crush and liking the person, then a true love, and as a consequence sex and erotism. But I did not want to discard her without giving her the chance to express herself. She seemed quite keen. Our discussion was not interesting, and it lasted about 20 minutes. Thereafter, I started playing with Facebook and dwelling in memories.

I remember that there is only one day in my life where I felt desired. Two girls in the same day declared they loved me. One was Sybille, the other was Petsi. I was a punk at that time. Quite hardcore. Sybille sent me a message asking me if I wanted to have a relationship with her, and I was the happiest woman on earth. That happened while I was in Petsi‘s car on the way to Ikea. She begged me not to enter a relationship with Sybille, but with her instead. I just wanted to jump out of the car. In the end, I had a short relationship with Sybille and an affair with Petsi when Petsi got to know that Sybille had left me.

… nothing new, I ended up alone.

I tend to be the one who gives chances to others, while I have never been given a fair trial. Even when I am given a chance, it is always half a chance. My family, also, will never give me the chance to have a love story. They would never tolerate a man, let alone a woman. I should try to find someone very understanding, tolerant, and ready to hide in the shadows. But who wants to hide forever? And why should she hide? Why should I be worth hiding until my parents are dead? Nobody wants to live such a life. In the end, I am proud of myself, and so are other people. If I had to be ashamed of myself and hide from my parents, this does not mean I can be proud of myself with the rest of the world.

Reasoning. Will Karma help? Having a fair trial? I am just asking for a chance. Just one.  Whatever God is there above, give me a fair trial.