Facebook “stalking”

Facebook is a nice invention, and about the good and the evil of it we often debate in lectures – yes, in media studies we also talk about Facebook in class. But, notice, if you want to know about your ex’s – well, Facebook turns into a very bad invention.

A couple of days ago, I tried to see if Facebook had any trace of Kerstin. No. Kerstin seems not to exist anymore, there is no way to contact her. Maybe it is better so for me, because she was a very negative person in my life, even if I used to love her madly. Anyway, I did not manage to keep my search limited to Kerstin.

I felt like a stalker – which I am not normally – and I tried to search for Sybille, an ex girlfriend whom I loved deeply (almost as deeply as I loved Kerstin) but who was too messed up to have a long lasting relationship with. I was messed up myself, so that we were actually a good match. The end of our relationship was a misunderstanding. We had decided to meet under the bridge under the flat I lived in in Basel. She never showed up. I waited for three hours under heavy rain. In the cold. I called her, left messages on her answering machine, sent e-mails, all in vain. The next day, she called me and with a drunken voice she accused me of letting her down. That was too much. It was very frustrating, because she was important to me and I had really been in worry for her. I had even called the psychiatric hospital to ask if she was there, all for nothing.
Anyway, I found her on Facebook. From the way she smiles in the only picture of her she published publicly, I guess that she still does not dislike alcohol. My hope to speak to her once again, maybe still in the hope to clarify that aged misunderstanding, led me to sent her a friendship request. Until now, she ignored it.

The second ex girlfriend I “stalked” on Facebook is Petra. She was a love at first sight, a very attractive woman, older than me, very beautiful but not very smart. In the end, though, the stupid one was me: she was bi-curious, and she managed to manipulate me for the time of our short relationship to know everything she wanted to know on lesbian love and lesbian sex, to dump me when she had enough with a lame excuse and to get out of my life just because she apparently did not tolerate my strong character, which I had always had.
Anyway, I remember that I still was together with Sybille when she said to me, while we were speaking about her ex boyfriend (who was way younger than her), that she was in love with me. In a first moment, I felt very flattered but I replied that I was in a relationship and, since I really loved Sybille, no other woman was an option. After Sybille disappeared from my life on that terrible evening because I apparently abandoned her – while I had been looking for her the whole night, I decided to give Petra a chance. I never loved her totally and unconditionally, but her attractiveness was a point in her favour and yes, she seduced me. We had a short and intense relationship. The end was sad. Petra had a friend, a woman, an alcoholic, who once said to her that she should avoid me, because my character was too strong and I used to self harm. In the opinion of that woman, people who can harm themselves are likely to harm others as well. When I got to know that that woman, who really had no right to judge me since she was constantly drunk and she did not even understand what she was talking about, had advised my girlfriend to dump me, I lost control. And that was a mistake. I sent that drunkard a message in which I clearly stated that she should better stay away from my girlfriend and drown in her wine without taking Petra with her. That was very rude, disrespectful and bad. Alcohol addiction is nothing funny, I should have never written those words to that woman. She made a mistake, but so did I. The consequence was that Petra, after a couple of days, said to me that my being prone to verbal and self-violence was a reason to discontinue the relationship with me. In reality, I know that she wanted to have sex with a woman and see how a love affair between women is like, and she had reached her goal. Maybe, whatever excuse would have been well accepted to leave me.
I found Petra on Facebook, she still is a very attractive woman, she cut her hair but her face is still the pretty one she used to be. She is in a relationship since 2017, I guess with a man – Petra never was a lesbian, that for sure, and not even bisexual; she just wanted to experiment, and that is also ok.
I did not send her any friendship request. I do not wish contact with her, our love affair was just a spark, a nice one, but that is all.

I also found the son of Marvin, a friend I had and I was very close to. Marvin always had doubts on me, on my ability to study, on my being suitable for a relationship in my life. He is much older than me. We used to be very close. He is bisexual, with very strong gay traits. In fact, I doubt that Marvin ever felt at ease with a woman. She had 2 wives, but I never saw him sexually interested in anything else than men. Anyway, I sent Marvin’s son a friendship request, because I very selfishly hoped that, had he accepted, he would have told Marvin about some key facts of my life I published there. For example, that I graduated, something that Marvin always warned me not to even try to do. But my request remained ignored.

Maybe it is better this way. Sometimes it is better to let go, not to dwell in memories. If Sybille had been under that bridge that night, she could still be my girlfriend today. But it was not meant to be. And it will not surely happen because of some silly Facebook “stalking”.