Exhausted

Last exam done. I just hope it went well. The professor appreciates short answers, concise writing and just the essential. This is not really my style. Last time he gave me a 7,5, which is in sharp contrast to all other grades I had. I was talking about it with Micky, a classmate who is also gay, and he also dislikes this kind of limitations. If you know stuff, it is also a pleasure to show you know it. Usually, I have the policy not to study just for the exam, but to try to retain as much as I can in my mind for future use; but when you get asked a question you know details about, because you took your time to sit down and read and repeat and you put your efforts in it, then let me the hell show I know it.

I was walking to the city centre with Micky, discussing those things, we were both tired and exhausted since after the exam we had two lectures. He asked me if I like butches. Yes, I do. Kerstin was a butch. Very masculine. On some pictures you could not even tell if she was a man or a woman. Nicole was a butch. I still do not know how it is possible that she was married to a man, since she was really more a man than a woman. Yes, I had a relationship with a married woman. I was seduced, but I let myself be seduced. It was not just sex. For me, it has never been just sex. When I have sex with a woman, it is because I have feelings, may they be not the “this is the love of my life” but just “I really like her”, but I never saw someone as a mere body to play with.

I have not had sex for four years. Yes, four long years. I could have had my occasions, but I never sleep with a woman the first time I meet her (no one-night-stands) and I do not like sex affairs that have no other outcome than to remain sex affairs. I can be without sex. I do not wish sex without some deeper involvement. I am thinking about this right now because Micky told me he has a long distance sex affair with a guy, whom he does not really love. But he enjoys the sex. I had a 3-year-long relationship with a guy whom I did not love, and I did not enjoy the sex. I think Micky is being wiser than I was at the time I was trying to force myself into being straight.

I just took 30 mg Truxal, this is a very small dose but enough to make me feel quiet. Maybe I should have not discontinued the contact to the girl who liked yoga and was planning to go hiking in the Mauritius to visit the places she sees while she meditates. She could have taught me how to open my chakras. Somehow I can just open my chakras with Truxal.

I am exhausted.