Error in the system

Too many emotions in such a short time.

First, the bad ones. Yesterday I lost control. My father never bothers to take my defence. He is whispering all the time at me to tolerate the insults, the humiliation, and all the wrong reproaches my mother addresses to me. He takes me for granted. He has been taking me for granted all my life long. So, yesterday, after another raid of insults by my mother and his smile at his wife, at the very moment my mother turned her back I tossed him and he fell to the ground. I did not manage to keep my aggressiveness in check. Of course, I had to take him to emergency thereafter, but thank God nothing happened. He is safe and sound. Just… I do not feel any repentance. Sometimes we have nice times together, but I am reaching my limits. My mother considers me a disgrace, and is always telling me she would never have children, could she turn back time and take the decision again. I am unwanted. Fine. I never asked to be the daughter of my parents, but they fucked and I am the result, even if they consider me a wrongful life.

The good ones. A Professor offered me a job as student assistant. I will have the chance to help her PhD candidates in research and to collaborate in her lectures. Of course, something negative had to be part of the story, I cannot be lucky without other people, who are already lucky enough, to shed a shadow on my luck. Ely. The Professor wrote me that she will ask Ely to work with me, since she has place for 2 people. She will have other tasks, perhaps not so important. Ely is my nightmare, even if I like her and I esteem her. I am reluctant is sharing my luck with her. Of course, I did not esternate my disappointment, that would be unfair. I value friendship, and Ely did not do any tort to me; the fact that she is lucky while I have to struggle to get through life is not her fault. Maybe I should complain to the Great Beyond but again, I am privileged in comparison to many others. You know, my struggle is not just a personal issue. I know that I am fighting for all the people I met along the way who did not manage to come out of the mental illness tornado. My hospital mates are almost all dead. Mostly of suicide. My success is our revenge, not just my revenge. I want them to live through my success, I am a survivor for all those who did not survive.

I know I am an error in the system, but I am not that kind of error that allows correction.