Efforts and excuses

I just took my night medication, so I guess that in 10 minutes I will not even longer remember my own name. But I wanted to end this day by leaving two lines here.

Some time ago, I met a girl on the dating site, Raphaela, and we chatted for a while. I liked her. She asked me what I am looking for in a relationship, and, actually, I look for harmony (since I do not have any in my life), I do not lie to my beloved one and I expect to be told the truth, and my rule for life is to live and let live – I added that some good sex does not hurt. She replied that she could have done copy and paste of what I said. We started talking more intensely, but she suddenly killed the spell that was somehow growing between us and told me that there was a problem: the distance, the physical distance between us. She lives about 2 hours by train from me. I do not really see the problem. It was before my last exams. I would have had a long summer to spend with her, to see if we work together. Of course, I would not have moved to her as an unknown to see if I could potentially become her girlfriend, I would have checked in a hostel where she lives and we would have spent some time together. This could have given the hint of everyday life. I insisted on her, because she could have been the one. When she definitely told me that distance was a killer, I was very disappointed. More than I was in other cases when a relationship had failed for the same reason. And we were not even in a relationship.

Two women contacted me on the dating site since then. I chatted with one for a while, but she is too normal. The other one got in touch two days ago, but I still have not replied to her. Somehow, if distance is a killer, it will be with all the girls I meet there, because the area i selected is the whole country. Switzerland is small, distances within Switzerland are ridiculous. Two  hours by train are a breeze.

Today I talked on the phone with a lesbian friend, she lives here and her girlfriend and soon-to-be wife lives in Torino. I mean, their relationsip works well because they make it work. If you want to do something, you find a way; if you do not want to do something, you find an excuse. At the moment, my friend and her girlfriend have a long distance relationship, but they will get married and move to Lausanne together next year. They will both make an effort. Her girlfriend is italian, she is ready to move to Switzerland and learn French. They will both find a job. They will build a future together. I think that my friend will adopt her girlfriend‘s son.

I ask myself why this cannot happen to me. To find someone who is ready to make an effort to be with me. Until now, it was always me making efforts and sacrifices for the partner. I do not want to complain, I am not an easy person to be with. But if I recall everything I did for Kerstin, I ask myself why I cannot meet a girl who is ready to do all this for me. I have a rule: be kind to me, and you will not do a favour to an ungrateful person. Be nasty to me, and I will give you back the tort with the interests.

With that being said, I wish you good night and switch back to accounting.