Dear brother, I think I am dying

Firstly, thank to all of you who thought and / or prayed for my friends Marvin and Ulrich. The situation is, sadly, not getting any better. 

On Monday evening, Marvin got a phone call from Ulrich, stating that he was not feeling well. Not that he normally feels "well", but, let’s say, it was even worse than usual. Marvin rushed to the train, went to Basel – he lives in the surroundings – and after about half an hour he was at Ulrich’s and could notice that the pain was escalating and that his brother was about to collapse. They took a taxi to hospital, and once there, Ulrich was put on intensive care. 

Marvin prevented the whole family, but just one niece, daughter of a sister of Marvin and Ulrich, went to hospital. She is about my age, a very sensitive person, full of initiative and very attached to Ulrich. She is the only one who thought of giving Marvin some help with the whole administrative crap and the emotional responsibility he is dealing with. Anyway, the doctors said that Ulrich could not leave hospital, and that they had to try a therapy because the tumor in the jaw had started to affect the trachea and the esophagus. To put it in a nutshell, Ulrich is asphyxiating and can’t eat or drink anymore. 

Yesterday, the doctors said that they have to put a stomach probe. Marvin was at the hospital from ten o’clock in the morning until five o’clock in the evening, with Zora (the niece I mentioned above) and they had several talks with the doctors. There is nothing to do anymore, it is a matter of days if not of hours. Ulrich is on morphine, mostly numb enough not to realize what is happening. He has lucid moments though, and then he gives the impression that he is still hoping. He is fighting for life in an incredible way. Marvin cannot understand this attitude, and he sometimes makes some faux pas, in my opinion. For example, yesterday Ulrich said to him "Brother, I think I am dying.". Marvin replied, "I think you are too.". Well, that is an honest answer, but not very supportive. I tried to think what I would have said in Marvin’s position. Maybe something like "Do not think about it, now you are here and you are being taken care of.". 

I think that I am slowly understanding what goes on Marvin’s nerve so much about his brother. Ulrich has always been burying his head in the sand. This was also his disgrace: as he noticed blood in his urine, he removed the problem from his conscious and did not see a doctor. When he eventually decided to see one, three months later, it was already too late. Marvin always wanted Ulrich to speak with him about their family. Their mother was schizophrenic, mostly psychotic and hypochondriac. Their father was a pedophile. He would rape Marvin on every occasion, since Marvin was the youngest and most fragile of the family. Every time Marvin wanted to read a book, his father attacked him and accused him of pretending to be something better because he tried to gather some common knowledge. Ulrich witnessed all this, but always refused to talk about it with Marvin. As if they had had a perfect family, as if they had had the perfect childhood. Marvin left the family at the age of sixteen, and started jobbing here and there to have some money. He drank a lot of alcohol during those years, and also consumed different sorts of drugs. This, until he became a father, with twenty. His girlfriend got pregnant, and so they married. They had twins. A couple of years later, Marvin found out that his wife was cheating on him, so that he asked for divorce and threw his wedding ring in the Rhine. Marvin did not have an easy life. After divorce, he became a graphic designer – he is the only one among six or seven brothers and sisters who successfully undertook a vocational training – and years later he had a daughter with a… well, I cannot call this woman with any other names than a slut. He does not have any contact anymore with his daughter, since she said to him about three years ago that she did not wish to stay in touch since Marvin is manic-depressive. 

Marvin is a solitary person. He likes being on his own. He does a lot of things on his own, and I think that for him it is almost understandable that for people like, for example, me, it is necessary to be in company of others. I am a lonely person, I do not have many friends or acquaintances, but I am happy to live with my parents in spite of the fact that they stress me because I could never live on my own. I would feel lost. Just the presence of my parents, being with them for the meals, knowing I can go to their flat to have a chat, makes me feel better. Marvin does not relate to this attitude. He is accustomed with doing everything alone. The only constant presence in his life was Ulrich. One of the few people he accepted. If he wants to speak with Ulrich about Death, I do not know if he wants to help Ulrich accept eternal sleep, or if he is trying to come to good terms with the absence of his brother from his life himself. 

Anyway, Marvin and I are in touch and he has Zora too; I think he cannot rely on the other brothers and sisters, but there are people at work who are also very supportive. Time to go, take gentle care of yourselves and may the Fire of Enthusiasm be with you all.