Daily report

In these days I am devoting my whole life to studying and doing research. I like it very much, but still, I have the impression that I have to give much more than many of my peers give to have the same results as they have. Sometimes, I feel exploited because of the strict discipline I impose on myself. For example, in a team assignment I have been working on the whole weekend I realised that I am the only one who cared to do something for the project. I got some “thank you”s for delivering ideas, summing ups and suggestions, and two team members also asked me to explain them concepts of some articles we had to read because they apparently did not understand them. Well, the texts were not easy to understand for me either, but I sat on my desk and read, reread until I got it.

Tomorrow I have to see a gynaecologist. I might have caught an infection “there”. Too Much Information, I know. My mother, obviously, accused me of having sex with some dirty man who might have passed some terrible disease on me. Well, first, I do not have sex with men; second, I have not been having sex for years. I can barely remember the last time I kissed a girl. Do I miss it? Not really. I never liked sex so much, but I do not know what I like or dislike in general. I still have to make up my mind about what I desire in my life. Which job, which relationship-status, where to live. As for the job, I might have found something for my stage, in an archive. But I do not know what I would like to do after the very moment in which I will leave University, and that time is approaching. Dangerously. As for a relationship and where to live, the two things would be better combined: a little flat, with a girlfriend, in harmony and mutual respect and love. But I do not think this will happen.

And so I dwell in fantasies, I live my parallel life and hope to go home one day – as a child, I used to dream that fellow aliens would come to my house and take me back with them to my home planet. Nowadays I lost that ingenuity, but that dream is still alive, even if it changed shape. No more strange aliens, or distant planets; but the consciousness to be different, for the better or for the worse. I acknowledge this fact and I do not wonder when I encounter stigma.

With that being said, I switch off my computer as well as myself.