Birthday cuddle

My dear OD fellows, thank you to all of you who remembered my birthday and left tons of nice notes to me! You are really wonderful. You are like a family to me, and I wish you all were my neighbors or coworkers or fellow students or whatever… I wish I could share with you something more than a few words on a computer screen. Really. Thank you. 

My birthday was great. Not just because I spent a nice day with my parents, who did not argue for the whole day – my mother managed to be calm and quiet all day long. I got a lot of birthday gifts, this overwhelmed me a little because I always have the impression of being spoilt in some way. My parents wrote me a card in which they told me that I should live my life in tranquillity and follow my dreams without hurry or haste. This proved to me that my mother told my father that I am in a hurry with getting my proficiency certificate and my University degree, since I would like him to see al this but he is so old already… it was meant to remain between my mother and me, but never mind. 

What made my birthday really a great day, though, was the fact that I was cuddled by Doctor Livio. Now I’m going to explain a few things. I went to therapy, and at the end of the session I said to Doctor Livio "Doc, today is my birthday, and I would like to ask you something.". He waited. I asked him "Would you give me a birthday cuddle?". Then I specified, since I did not want him to think I was trying to seduce him or wanted something sexual, that I thought over my love for him intensely and I came to the conclusion that my feelings are not the ones of a woman in love for her loved one, but the ones of a lost daughter for her father. I never had a father. My father is an elderly, he looks after me and helps me, but he is not a father. He is a good grandfather, a little sulky, but generous and benevolent, but he is not a male presence in the family which can contrast the overwhelming power of my mother. I never had a male presence to refer to, and in my relationships to guys I always looked for that missing part of my life. So that all my relationships ended, because a man doesn’t look for a daughter but for a woman. Doctor Livio became a male presence, someone who made me see that my mother is not always right as I used to think, that I can be strong if I just try to, that I can have a life if I try to. He changed my life. It was a long way, we needed four years to reach what we reached until now and the work is still in progress. I always felt something for Doctor Livio, sometimes romantic feelings. I used to dream to hold his hand, to kiss him, to stroke his hair, to be intimate with him. But then, I saw things as they really are. What I want from him is not something romantic – even if he is a man of great charm – but fatherly affection. 

He agreed to giving me a birthday cuddle without hesitation. At the end of the session, before saying good bye, he took me in his arms. I felt like I’ve never felt before. Sheltered. It was a very strong emotional moment. Then, he gave me a kiss on my cheek and he said something wonderful to me: he said, "You are a daughter I would be proud of.".

I don’t know what to say. I still have the memory of that moment vivid in my mind, and I still can’t believe Doctor Livio would be proud of having me as a daughter. This honors me and makes me proud of myself very much. My parents never said this to me. To be proud of me, they always needed me to perform well in some way, may it be a good mark at school, a prize at the end of High School, whatever. They were never proud of me for being myself. 

While writing about it on my paper diary I even cried, not because of sadness, but because of the intense emotions all this triggered within myself. 

So, with the nice feeling of having a father, I end this entry and send to you all much love… take gentle care of yourselves!