Anxiety kicking

Everything seems to go well in my life at the moment. I mean, I found a wonderful partner whom I will marry soon, I have a contract as a PhD student with my University, I have enough money to plan restructuring the house, plus I am self-harm-free since 230 days. That is a record. I have never been “clean” for such a long time. Thanks to Annie, I learnt that razorblades are not my best friends.

Despite of everything going well, I live in constant anxiety. I spoke also to Doc about it. Every little thing to do involves a huge effort. Anxiety is very strong most of all in the mornings, when I open my eyes and I have to face the day. It then fades away as soon as the evening approaches, and leaves space for some positivity when I go to bed. As soon as I lay in bed, I think about all the projects that await me and remain awake for a while. I try to reach for Annie’s hand, but she has a very superficial sleep and I know that if I touch her too roughly I only risk to wake her up. And she has to get up very early in the morning. Also, I admit that I very often fear not to be enough for her, not to be at her level. She is very beautiful, but beside physical appearance, which might not be that important to some people (Annie never judged me for my appearance), she is very intelligent, smart, quick in understanding things, clever in finding solutions to practical life problems. I grew up with two elderly people who did not teach me anything about the world, and Annie is teaching me a lot of things – I fear she might consider me an inept. I sometimes feel embarrassed. It is not her task to teach me how to live daily life, she is my girlfriend and not my mother – but I never really had a loving mother who taught me about women’s problems, sexuality, even hygiene.

I also have to learn to be more assertive. This is something Annie said to me a couple of times, and which decuplicates my anxiety in every social interaction. I know that, if attacked, I will not defend myself. I will let everyone walk all over me. Maybe because, somewhere deep inside myself, I think I deserve punishment. I do not consider myself a good person, I never considered myself a good person. I spend my days waiting for punishment, and only Annie managed to convince me to accept good things when they happen to me. It is still a long way to go.

I am back to work for today. Any old OD friend still here? I am so glad that I found one I used to exchange notes with a long time ago. It was so good to catch up. It brought me back to good old days… well, they were not that good. Better today. Better conditions.