Another person

I was thinking about something Ely said on our WhatsApp group a couple of hours ago. Axl asked what is for us a life dream, something we really want to achieve, how this evolved over time. He needs some audio records on this for a radio program he has to create with a friend. Ely said that this is what is called the “American dream”, because people in the past wanted to go to America, as it was synonym for a better life, new places, new opportunities. She said that she is making her dreams come true in Finland, where she is now for a semester. She said that nowadays we no longer have to focus on America as the “dream land” since we can travel everywhere.

Better life. New places. New opportunities. Well, I thought that in this sense my whole life has become a dream life. I was a wreck, not able to speak any few words without interruption. My only foreseeable future was to go to some clinic for the rest of my days and do some art therapy to make time go by. I managed to come out of that horror, and now I want to focus on the positive. New places? I am in a new place, already. No need to go anywhere. Look around, I am in a library, the walls around me are stuffed with books, written by illustre women of the past, I am here alone and I can enjoy this rooms on my own until 5 o’clock, doing my research. This archive focuses on women’s activities, achievements and literature. So to say, I am in my element: no man disturbing, and the only man who works here, two times a week, is my boss, who is a very nice, kind and friendly person.
New opportunities? I was offered to take part in a course for archivists that will take place at the end of March. I might gather interesting knowledge. The fee would be paid by the archive.

I am becoming another person. Also, I overcame my reticence to eating alone. I dislike eating alone, and I have never eaten alone in public before. Yesterday and today I treated myself with a salad at the restaurant where we usually go where I am not alone at work. It is not that terrible, it is maybe funny indeed. That was the only thing that I still did not do alone. Now that I also eat in public alone, I am ready for my life as “single by choice”. I will no longer look for a partner or feel like I am incomplete without a girlfriend, because in fact I am not. It would be nice, sometimes, to share intimacy or tenderness, but I realized that I can very well live without. What I would like to have would be such a thing as a sister, because it is very difficult to carry the cumbersome weight of my family on my shoulders. A brother is useless, I have one but he is 62 years old, he lives far away, he never worked, he did drugs for most of his life, he is lazy as hell and he even forgets to call his (and mine) father for his birthday or for Christmas. Usually, if he calls it is because he needs financial support. A sister. That would be absolutely handsome.

With that being said, I should better get back to work. I am already five minutes late.