A whirl of emotions – nobody is listening

Well, if I take a look over my life in the past few weeks I notice, as a dear friend pointed out, that I switched from leaving The Castle (where I felt protected, calm and at ease) to losing a hero (my dear Doctor Livio, whose moral integrity and professionality I have been questioning thoroughly) and worrying about a friend (Paolo, held prisoner in a therapeutic community against his will). This has been causing a whirl of emotions in my mind, because none of the issues which have been keeping me busy came to a solution yet. 

I left The Castle and I came back home, where my life goes on as usual. All I wanted to take distance from is still there. I just wonder how long I will resist. On the one hand, my parents almost spoil me, forgetting that I am not on sale; on the other hand, they smother me and clip my wings every time I take some sort of initiative. Maybe I would not have resisted in The Castle either, because, once Paolo left, I wouldn’t have had anyone to talk to. He was pretty much the only one with whom I had contact, even if I did not despise the other fellow patients either. I was there with the main goal to have contact with myself. The whole tragedy (or comedy?) of Jessica – the skinny little bitch – being caught in the act while having sex with Salvo would have troubled me, because Salvo was thrown out without any possibility to come back, while Jessica could remain and was pictured as the "poor victim of a dirty old man". Well, people like Jessica are never victims, they are the creators of their own disgrace. Nobody forced her to have sex with Salvo. Salvo tried it on with me for weeks, but I never landed in his bed. Moreover, I suppose that Doctor Livio had a hand in this, since Jessica is his patient and he seems to care a lot about that bitch. 

This brings me to my second point, maybe the most important one. Losing faith in the man I almost considered as a father. Doctor Livio. I remember that for my 32nd birthday, one year ago, I wanted to ask him for a birthday cuddle. I did not have the courage to carry on my request. It remained a dream until July 23rd of this year, when I found the cheek to ask for a cuddle. I was given that sweet and warm cuddle from this man I love as if he were my own daddy. I thought I had found someone to rely on, not just a good therapist, but someone emotionally near to me – without ambiguity, always in a therapeutical setting, but you know what I mean… not just a doctor, but a human being who understood me. Then, the shock. Doctor Livio, the morally correct, God-fearing Doctor Livio, gives a psychiatrist’s report in defense of a pedophile in a process which shakes the whole province because the accused is on charge of sexual acts on minors for an interval of over forty years. Doctor Livio describes the accused as a victim of his own tribes, a very childish personality, with a world of feeling and emotions of a teenager, who could not help but doing what he did. Then he contradicts himself, stating that there is no danger of recidivism if the accused keeps away from young people. Everybody knows that the first thing the accused would do if he were left free would be looking for young people, and doing again what he did for forty years. Is the accused not a victim of his own tribes? 

I don’t even know if I will find the way to discuss this issue with Doctor Livio, since he has no duty to justify himself to me, who am I to ask him why he did what he did? He is a very talented and highly regarded professional, the best therapist ever, and which psychiatrist’s reports he makes about whom is none of my business. Maybe I will just tell him "For the first time, I hoped nobody would believe you", but it could be considered offensive. I don’t want to offend Doctor Livio. I admire him and respect him very much. Yes, he is my hero. I need him. This is the reason why I wrote, as the beautiful song of Linkin Park goes, I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress, handful of anger, held in my chest. I suffered very much seeing my hero defending a sex offender. But I hope that I will find an answer to my questions, even if I still have to think over the way to ask those questions. 

Last but not least, my dear friend Paolo. I know that he is kept in a therapeutical community, he tried to run away, he tried to have the doctors and the social workers and the educators and all those beautiful people listen to him but… again, quote from Linkin Park, nobody is listening. He got his frustration repressed by the doctor’s assertion that "a packet of cigarettes, a coffee and two francs a day are more than enough", and he lives in a small room, with just a bed, a cupboard and a washbasin – not even a small desk -, with no contact to the outside world – no television, mobile phone, let alone a computer -. He is allowed to leave the community’s house only on Saturdays, and the people he is going to see have to talk with the educators and confirm that he is really seeing them. I’m sending a parcel tomorrow, containing powdered milk (they don’t even give him milk to prepare a Caotina), instant coffee, instant cappuccino, Caotina powder. No cigarettes, because they get confiscated, and deduced from his daily pocket money. I try to cheer him up, saying that better times will come, that he has to resist for a while until a better solution is found, but I don’t believe my words myself. The doctors, social workers and educators couldn’t care less about Paolo, they just found a place where to park him and now they are waiting for him to get accustomed to this life. Well, I tell you, I once saw a prison in Basel at the time I was a law student and even there the prisoners could get cigarettes and watch television. Paolo repeatedly said to me that he would like to have some dignity, and this causes a pain in my heart, because the life he is leading now is not really worth living. But what can I do? If I were a relative, I could speak with his guardian and sort things out, but I am nobody. I wanted to talk to Lauri, his daughter, but she is on holiday in Italy until August 25th. All she said to Paolo is "Daddy, don’t give up.". 

So, as you see, none of the issues that keep my mind busy has found a solution yet – but at least I could start my English lessons on Monday, and I have projects for my future again. I think it is not realistic to enrol for the exams in September, I might postpone it to March. Let’s see.&nbsp

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Much love to everyone, and take gentle care of yourselves.