A shared mind

I do not know what I think about my emotions these days. I imposed myself a strict discipline: low calories intake, reduced smoking. Still, I feel unconrtollable forces driving my feelings to excess and to some extent to what I do not want to be. I am my therapist’s best success, a schizophrenic who could barely speak who graduates and now runs for a Master degree and has a job. Wow. I fear, however, that he is focusing on his success without seeing the real problems, that is, that I am still torn apart from demons that do not allow me to reach some peace of mind. I am a killer, even if I never killed anybody. I have flashbacks, and I see what I have been through with an amazing clarity.

I am not stable. I look as if I were stable, but I am not. I have terrible thoughts in my head, and they are not even my own ones. It is not me the one who wants to kill, it is a demon, but he thinks in my head. And his thoughts are not separated from mine. I will never know how it is to have an own mind, or to exist.