A gift for Dad and a talk with Mom

Yesterday was quite ok. My father’s iPad was delivered. Sadly, it was not Teddy delivering it, but Marco, another technician. He is quite a funny guy, thoroughly a computer freak, very competent and very patient. This is what we needed, much patience, because my father is of an older generation. Young people – ok, I don’t consider myself as a member of the "young generation" anymore, but I mean people until their 50’s/60’s – are accustomed to using machines of every kind. But a 91-year-old needs time to learn how to use such a device. I remained there most of the time, but at some point I left Marco alone with my father and joined my mother for a cigarette and a coffee. So, we had time to speak. 

My mother asked me when I intend to leave The Castle. I told her about Doctor Livio’s suggestion, that is, July 26th. She said no, and was inflexible. I have to leave on July 21st. Doctor Livio is going on holiday after July 26th, and he wanted to have me in hospital till that time, but my mother decided that she wants to have me at home while Doctor Livio is still here. Well, I can’t even blame her. Suppose I come home and it doesn’t work? At least I can see my therapist. 

My mother wanted to know more about my "crisis". She wanted to play the friend and confidant and I decided to allow her some insight in my problems and thoughts. Carefully, because I never know what she is going to misunderstand, but I tried to speak openly to her. I put it into a new light, that is, as if I were putting myself under pressure. I said to her that I feel as if I were in a hurry, because time goes by and I am stuck in a psychiatric hospital while I would like to go on studying, building my future and eventually getting a University degree. I went on saying that I dream of a family with children. And that the cause of my stress is that I would like my father to see all this, but he is getting older and most probably he won’t get to see me healthy and successful. I can’t predict the future – thank God – and nobody can, I could die tomorrow and my father live up to be a hundred, but if things go as they should, my father will die before I die, and he is very old already. I said to my mother that I already chose the name for my baby… Gabriel if it’s a boy, Giorgia if it’s a girl. She asked me if my "crisis" started the very moment I got to know that Emma had her baby. I was astonished, because my mother observes me in quite a deep and precise way. Emma having her baby made me feel a loser; I even discussed the matter with Doctor Livio. Seeing Emma married to a caring and loving husband, with a child, made me feel like I was missing something important in life. This is the moment in which my biological clock started ticking, without any doubt. Moreover, I told my mother that I have to do the job of two, that is, mine and Richard’s, because my father doesn’t get any affection from that wretched brother of mine. She replied that my father doesn’t need so much affection, but honestly, didn’t he become indifferent and a little cold because he never got any affection from anyone? 

After speaking to my mother, I realized that I had not even lied. Shame on me, I often lie to my mother. For example, I never tell her the truth about what I discuss with Doctor Livio. I could never, because she would not allow me to see him anymore. Doctor Livio tries to make an adult and independent person out of me, someone with both feet on solid ground, and questions the way my mother treats me. He considers my mother someone who would need to see a therapist either, maybe the only one in our family who would need to see a therapist. I need therapy because of her. He very much criticizes the way my mother rules with a rod of iron my father and me. So, when my mother asks me what I have been talking about during my therapy sessions, I mostly say that Doctor Livio said to me that I have to clean the house and no to drive her nuts, that I have to obey her, and that I have to be a good girl. She is convinced that Doctor Livio supports her craziness. That’s the only way for me not to be mocked every time I go to therapy… I remember that at the time I started therapy in my life, with Doctor Gea, my mother used to mock me and say to me with scorn "Oh, you’re going to that shrink!". I wold like to avoid a similar situation now. 

So, I have 9 days left. On July 21st I will leave The Castle and go back to normal routine… I don’t see any positive thing in this, but what should I do? I can’t stay here forever. It would be a matter of a few days anyway, so, let’s settle things once and for all, I’ll go home and try to survive there. I just hope I will manage to survive there. Going home will mean to start cleaning and washing frantically again, to be yelled at, to be insulted and treated like a baby, and to obey that insane of my mother. The only positive thing is that I will start my English lessons again, so even in this crazy world I will have a sensible project to fight for. I’m still determined to take my proficiency exams in November, may God help me. My father was so proud of me passing the advanced exams. So, if maybe he won’t see me with a University degree, he will at least see me with a certificate in proficiency English. I know, I should do it for myself in the first place, but still… there is a scene I often remember. I was a law student in my first semester, and my father and I went to the lawyer for a reason I can’t recall, and he introduced me to the lawyer as "My daughter, a future colleague of yours", full of pride. I can’t forget this moment, and his being so hopeful I would become someone in my life. 

Well, now I should start my day. I have nothing to do actually, apart from being here writing, reading, drawing, exercising… I saw Paolo already this morning, he asked me if he could come on my side of the balcony to drink a coffee and smoke a cigarette. I had nothing against it. Later on I will let him use my computer to check the website of a football team, but not before I have replied to notes and read my friends. 

Much love to everyone, and take gentle care of yourselves.<s

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