A beautiful heart

I eventually had a long phone call with Marvin. We could clarify our position towards each other. We are not lovers, we are not brother and sister, we are not daughter and father, we are friends. But what does a friendship involve? I stressed that forgetting a birthday or keeping almost completely silent on the phone while I talk and try to engage him in conversation is not really very fulfilling to me. For the first time, he apologized. He realized that, lately, he has been a little distant and "clumsy" towards me. He does care, he is just in a difficult moment of his life – his brother has cancer and he has to move soon. I told him that I understand, but since I am his friend, he could talk openly about his sorrows and worries to me, instead of keeping silent and keeping me out of his life. I expect him to share his problems with me, I am here for him and for it. If he can’t speak to a friend, to whom can he speak? I think he got it. We are on good terms again, no more cold war. Let’s see how things will evolve, though. 

Yesterday I got a text message from Paolo saying "If ya were not engaged, I’d try it on with ya!". It was a total turn off. The message was grammatically incorrect and quite direct. Paolo is a nice fellow, but I already made clear that I am engaged to Marvin and he can forget a relationship. I replied, "Dear Paolo, you made me a great compliment and I feel honored, and even if I am not your girlfriend I will always be your friend. You are like a brother to me and I’ll always help you.". I got a phone call from him later on, and he was quite excited, even if in company of his daughter and her boyfriend. He asked me if the text message had offended me in some way. No, of course not! It was a compliment. I am not accustomed to be flirted with. This quite never happens. He said that even being considered my brother is a gift of God for him, and that he likes me a lot. Now I ask myself… why can’t I fall in love with someone like Paolo? Why do I always love the ones who don’t want me? How easy life would be if I could love this genuine, sincere, simple man, who is in love with me, who would be ready to take care of me, who would like to be at my side and would be faithful and devoted. Why do I always love the ones who reject me, who behave like wankers, exactly as Domenic did or as Kerstin did? Domenic and Kerstin are people who are beautiful on the outside, but very much horrible on the inside. Domenic kissed me on a cold clear winter night short before Christmas, then ran away from me as if I had the plague, and two days later he was hand in hand with another girl. Kerstin was beautiful like the full moon in the sky, perfect I would dare say, I would have done everything for her, but she dwelt on a relationship which had gone astray and she "did not want to make the same mistake". She did not want me, but she was very happy to get my money. She used me and abused me, letting a fashion show of girlfriends to parade in front of me, one after the other, without even considering to give me a chance, once and for all. All those nice pretty women led her astray, they gave her marijuana, cocaine, alcohol, pills… and in the end she always came to me screaming for help. And silly me always helped her out. 

Paolo would be the perfect boyfriend. He is ill, but I am ill either. We understand each other very well. I am schizophrenic, he is manic. Not bipolar, just manic. With medication, he can control his manic episodes very well, I never saw him hyper. We talked about things I previously discussed only with Marvin. This speaks volumes about the confidence I put in Paolo. We had more than one TMI discussion, and it always was very natural. We spoke about me liking girls too – in fact, about me being "gender-blind" -; about my first time with a woman, in every detail, from buying sex toys to making love; about my problems with Horny Boy, who was a sex addict. He told me about that woman he fell in love with, Susan, the one for whom he carved a "S" on his arm using forty cigarettes and burning one centimeter deep wounds; he told me about his ex wife, a slut who used all his financial resources to go to psychics and holy men to save their marriage; he openly spoke about him going to prostitutes, and falling in love with one of them, for whom he would buy tons of expensive gifts. That’s the reason why he has a guardian now. 

Maybe one day I will find out if I am picky or just a loser. I perfectly know that I can’t afford being picky, because for some strange reason I am bound to be loved only by people I don’t love. Girls, guys or trans, I always choose the ones who couldn’t care less about me. All I would like to have is a loving partner, a family, running away from my parents (I would always take care of them, but I would put some healthy distance). Giving birth to little Gabriel or little Giorgia. Every time I see pregnant women or young mothers I always think: "Why can’t this happen to me?". And time goes by, I have tons of projects but I am stuck here, in a luxury bunker, sometimes escaping in psychiatric hospitals which seem like heaven because being at home is hell. Here, where my parents clip my wings every time I try to fly. 

And what I think now is: Fifteen days left till I can see Doctor Livio…