Walk away.

 

Song: Frou Frou Let go http://www.youtube.com/watch

I haven’t really talked much (in here) about my trip to San Fran back in June. I guess is was a little to painful?

I dealt with in the real world and then moved on – well perhaps dealt with is not the right word.

As I have gotten older – bad things happen to you and you learn to not expect much from people. Nothing shocks you, when people or people you call friends do something to hurt you it’s almost like (for me anyways) that it was bound to happen sooner or later so why should you be shocked.

I guess its the ones who you never thought would hurt you that tend to leave me with this numb feeling. Like I should of known. Like it’s my fault.. I showed them the real me. BIG mistake.. I trusted them and you should never do that.

C (boy) and I have had been friends since high school.. well I think since I was 15 and he was 14. He started to date a friend of mine in High school called Nicola. And for while there the three of hung out. Nicola, C and I were close. But as it soon appeared that C and I were better friends. We had allot in common, so much that I remember we use to talk for hour and hours on the phone about everything. It was a friendship that I loved..

The problem was that in High school.. I felt very ugly and (fat) – looking back I really was not that bad. Although I was popular and had allot of friends- I never had a boyfriend. Everyone else did. Instead I was the one who would be the third wheel. I don’t remember feeling all that upset. I think there were times I was jealous of my friends and thinking I can’t wait till I grow up so that I could find someone to be with like they were- I remember when I met Mark, I would say lets just make out like we are couple of teenagers.

I wanted to fall in love but at 15,16 and 17 I was scared. I was scared because I didn’t think anyone would want to love me or wanted to see me for me. SO naturally instead of thinking that any boy would become romantically involved with me, I went about making myself the best FRIEND to almost every boy I knew. I became the Girl everyone knew, the match maker, the person that both boys and girls came to about romantic advice. I was Claire ******. It made me feel happy when my Girlfriends were in Love and in turn I became happy that I got on with their boyfriends.

Along with C two other boys who were dating my close girl friends would confide in me and the 4 of us became good friends. S who dated almost every girl within our circle and in particular my close friend Jess. And A, who dated my other close friend Renee. Although Jess and S relationship was short lived we remained close friends. A and Renee dated for another 3-4 years after high school.

By 17 – 18 I carved out myself as a confident loyal friend. I was (and still am) trust worthy. I told people the truth and not only did I have my girl group I had best guy friends who would fill me in on every detail of their love life like I was "just one of the guys"

The friendship with C, S, and A were so important to me. I spend years working at retaining them as Friends. S and A above C were wounded, they both have had troubles and they would come to me for support. I liked that feeling that I was someone that could fix them. It was like If I could fix their issues, with girls, or their family or personal e.c.t . It made we feel worthy of their friendship.. Claire saved that day, I think it was because I felt that although I wasn’t getting LOVE from a boyfriend I knew that these 3 boys would love me. They loved me of course only in a platonic way, but that was the better then any boyfriend. Because I had earned it, I was worthy of their love.

In some strange way felt surprised then my girlfriends about this. I thrived on the fact that so many popular (and good looking) guys were my friends. Best friends. I loved that they would call me.. that they would listen to me, that they came to me for advise. I mothered them, I bossed them around and all 3 of them listened to my every word.

The problem was that I started to have strong feelings for C when I was 17. I pretended that it was nothing but deep down I knew.. I knew that I was "in love with him" . I suppose it could of been a crush, but at the time I remember thinking that the feelings were so strong that all I wanted to do was be near him. It was so obvious, I mean I went barely a day without talking to him. But I thought I hid it well. I did confide in my Best Girl friend one drunken night and made her swear never to tell. And she never did, but she did say she knew, she knew I was in love with him.

Some how I talked myself out of ever admitting to anyone else. After all, C and me.. it would never work. We were just friends. And for 15 years that is how it was. He was one of my Best friends. And that "crush" went away.

As the years went by, C dated different girls, broke up them, we lived in different countries miles apart, but always always had time for each other. I thought he understood me, I thought he got me. He would call me on my shit and I would listen to him. And I would worry about him not getting out enough or that the girl he was dating was out for his money. He went through a string of CRAZY girl friends who would try and kill themselves when he broke up with them. He was a catch, he was wealthy, he was going to be doctor and he was good looking and had a body that most girls would want to sink into. Not only that, but he was a nice guy.. he treated girls like no other man I knew.. and manly he did this because I told him to. He had heard me go on and on about guys and what they had done to me, I had drilled him to how hurtful men could be and told him to never treat girls like.. and from what I heard and saw He never hurt any of them.

After these insane girls he dated for years, I finally told him to date outside is normal dating box. Finally in 2011 he told me he had meet someone. She was younger 23, she had not been to university, she was not the typical smart nerdy girl he normally went for. She was a make up artist, she wasn’t in to sport, she was easy going and not only that she was an extrovert, she was an extrovert, she was charming and she loved people. And the moment a met her I adored her. I was so so happy for them. We become friends to.

Digital Daggers Feel like falling :  http://www.youtube.com/watch

So in June, I flew to San Fran to go to their wedding. Now I could go into a long story and tell you every moment of what happened. I do know that the moment I arrived there was some sort of stress in the air. I do know it was not caused by me. I don’t want to think that his wife to be made him chose between her or me. Because there was no reason, she is 23 a size 0- they live in America I live in Sydney a much bigger size and I’m 30. And I do know that I was not the only to pick up on the strange way C was acting towards me.

I know that I flew in to San Fran to see my best guy friend marry the girl of his dreams and I flew home knowing that I would never speak to him again. I left early, not because of any particular event

, or any thing happened I just had an overwhelming vibe of not being welcome anymore.

I sent him one email about what thought perhaps happens.. it took him 2 months to reply.. he answered with "didn’t think anything was wrong" don’t worry about it.

Perhaps I over reacted, perhaps I shouldn’t of done certain things…

And I guess this entry is not to talk about that trip.. this entry is to just say. I miss him. I miss him so much. No because I’m in love with him, no. But because 15 years of friendship just ended.. with no reason why. And the pain of losing someone who you trust, who you thought could see inside your soul and would be there for you no matter what changes you.

I do blame myself for these friendships coming to an end. I think perhaps I become to much. I perhaps demand to much from them. These 3 boys who are now men, that made me feel love from being part of there world. Have all one by one stopped confiding in me. They have all grown up. The old ways of me feeling worthy of being part of their life has stopped. I know they no longer want to confide about their girlfriends, I know they no longer want my opinion … Yet I push them.. I push them because I want to feel something from them. I know that when I was with Mark I didn’t need it so much.. But in 2011 I lost A because of over stepping. And in 2012 I lost C. S is still hanging in there. But he’s married and with babies.. He lets me sometimes… but I guess it’s because I know I can bare to lose him to so I try not to over involve myself in his issues.

But these people who I think see me the real me. I think they can take the true me. I show them it all. But it’s only now that I see… no one.. not even your family want to see all of you. Not even friends who you have known and shared so much with for 15 years. Not even the ones you help.. not even the ones you give everything to. Not even the ones you fight to win love for. In the end They all walk away..