Trapped in my past

Song:Queen: Those were the days of my life. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDUmT3wm-0A&ob=av2n

On the 2nd May it was Jess’s birthday she would of been 30. I miss her. And think about her always daily. It’s gotten easier. For about 2 years after she died it was upsetting to think about her. Then it was like it went away.. perhaps because I got help… and I was doing better in my JOB…. and broke free of my mother…but. It turned into a numb feeling, like I pretended she was still alive just somewhere else. I stopped going to therapy I quit my job and let my mother back in to control things

I’m stuck in this moment in my life. The moment of Jess still being alive just off living elsewhere, and I have just broken up with Mark.

Everyone else has changed but I am still the same.

if I look at everyone I know on facebook which I really do know well.. it’s around 510 people. I would say 80% are married, 10% are engaged about to get married and 10% are with someone living with them.

Of those married almost all of them have kids or are on their second one. 6 of my Friends are pregnant at the moment. 70% of my friends own their own house’s. And all of them, are happy.. so very very happy.

Last weekend at birthday party it was only myself and Troy who were the single ones. 12 couples.  Yes you heard me, 12.  At one point I remember looking around as my wonderful friends all sat beside their partners.. Don’t get my wrong my friends here are more supportive then the couples back at home..BUT I wished so much that I had that to.

I looked around the bar, and there were couples… everywhere… I see FAT women, Ugly Women.. not smart women.. All of them.. have a man. 

I just feel like when Jess died and Mark cheated on me; these events took away parts of me that I didn’t know I had lost. It’s almost as if I died along with my wonderful friend and my relationship.

The person that everyone see’s before you is a well formed shell- a amazing actress. Who feels that she will never find someone to love her, and never have children.

At work, I seem to become this other person, this robot who self sabotage.

I am 30 in 19 days… and the past 4 years I have been a walking Zombie in my life. No matter what I do, how I do it, how I say I am going to change I end up back here.. With no job, no money of my own, no boyfriend or lover, my mother being my mother, my weight going up coming down, my relationship with food the same, Thinking about Jess and Mark everyday..

I JUST CAN’T MOVE ON.. I AM TRAPPED.. Trapped in my own jealous for my friends, trapped in my own pity. Trapped in the self imposed wall that I put up because I can’t bring myself to feel.

I’m so scared to feel because, it almost killed me.

I think about letting Troy in but I stop myself… and talk myself out of it – reason’s are endless. He doesn’t like me, I’m to fat to have sex with him, he and I will fight, he’s doesn’t earn enough. The truth is if I let him inside the walls, he could break my already weak heart. And I just can’t do it.. not for him, not for Troy.