The aim of the game is not end up alone

Song: Gus Don’t fear the Reaper: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wu6x8KuPmTk

I have romantic notions that, as I sit here typing the man that I have been waiting for will find me. That I have nothing to worry about. The person who I will marry have children with is just waiting for me. The man who will fix me, and not leave is somewhere… out there.

I think I will have that feeling the moment I meet him that he will be the one my soul mate, and he will know that I am the one for him to, he will love me so much he will see me, the real me- It will be like fate, kismet – serendipity! It’s like a movie I play out in my mind… ‘LOVE… it’s real….’ I will think to myself. I was right.. the man of my dreams.

The broken me laughs at this- and tells me you know it’s not true. Look at you? You need to wake up.. your 30. What you wanted in those romantic teenage notions, your endless waiting is not going to happen… you need to REAL.

You need to just be happy with what ever guy you can get.

The aim of the game is not end up alone.

So then I need to forget about romance I need to just find someone who I can show I am worth being with. I am a great actress, but so far have failed because I just am not willing to lie to myself. But I am there the point where I have to just ignore the inner voice that says he’s not the one. I need to find the person who will not leave me NO MATTER what.

My ex best friend- has just done this. I know she doesn’t want to be married to the guy who has just asked her. But she has said yes. Out of fear. She is just as broken as me. Her in a different way, years of family violence has made her numb in her relationships. What is worse is she has found someone who I think has the makings of being her father. But since we are no longer close friends I can’t say these things to her anymore. I lie to her. And she lies right back to me. I know her so well, and I think she knows me to that we both know this but yet we let each other do it. We she says she’s happy I know she is not! But then again as another friend has pointed out, when has she ever been. It’s her version of happy that she has talked herself into. Because she has never experienced being in love ‘her words’ she just settles for this version of love.

I know that at one point I thought about this version of love when I was with Mark. But when it came down to it, I couldn’t do it. But I was younger then – now as we are entering 30’s I know It must go through all of my friends heads ‘god I would hate be like C – she is still looking how scary- at this age’

Sometime I wish I didn’t feel like this.  Over thinking, over emotional, so broken, romantic and hoping that life will get better.

Faith and hope I want those words to mean something but at the same time I hate them with my being because the longer I trust those words to have meaning the longer I wait for HIM.