Scared

SONG:Sheryl Crow – I Shall Believe http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3Nnrj6i9Vk 

I’m so scared. I am scared to show someone who I really am.

I am scared about letting a boy get close to me

I am scared about working, I think that I can’t do it anymore. That I not longer am able to function in that setting. That the amazing person I use to be at work is no longer. I have few friends who look at me like I am crazy, that I should be working as an Admin person or within another industry. I have worked in Media/Entertainment for 10 years, but have failed to be hired.- I was a marketing manager for crying out loud.. I was earning 80k at 28 years old.  

The real reason why I am not getting hired is my weight I am guessing?. I’m not the the fattest person out there, but I am big, and I don’t think I am ugly, but I’m not stunning. I sometimes see people walking down the street. He will be tall, thin and very good looking and she will be fat ( bigger then me) and unattractive. I think to myself what does she have that I don’t. I guess the answer would be, she lets them in. I don’t think I deserve to be with someone who is very good looking and thin. I fear what they would think about my body. I would think that if he showed interested it was a joke, a trick. Like he was just seeing what it would be like to be with a chubby fat girl, or just use me to get me into bed, and if I let myself feel just a little bit like it would work..  it will hurt twice as much when it fails.

If anything shows you me with Troy, you just have to say a few nice things, press a few key emotions to make me think I have something you like. If I can fall for a so called friend that lies, someone that I really had a crush for, that was my friend and I trusted…, what  would I do if I let just a stranger who was really good at lying in, to use me…. I need to stop being so romantic.

Even when I was with Mark, I had my moments where I would feel, his words were lies. That I wasn’t worth his love, his friendship, I doubted him so often, and in the end I was right….. but was I right because I push him so far that is became truth?

Troy sent me so many mixed messages, that I started to think that someone likes me. ME for me…. no it was sex. and Sex to get back at Kim

Boston Boy, ( from the internet) he has no idea who I am… he just wants cyber sex..PLEASE- like I am that stupid.. 

Just want someone to see my soul, to know my soul to see my inner beauty…

I WANT SOMEONE TO TRUST are there no men like that?  Are you all cheaters? And liers.. are you all ONLY after one thing, good looks and nice body? 

Do you not want someone to see the real you to?