Pity Party

I loathe this time of year. Xmas – New Year  It reminds me of another year has gone by where I have remained frozen

During 2008 my life hit some major dark spots.  and I can’t seem to move on.

I got some help from a friend to get through this period over the last 3 weeks I have been snorting stuff that I haven’t done since I was in my early 20’s

I mean Once its gone it’s gone, and I just did a line, hence the burst of creative energy to write in here..  it should be over in 40mins and then I will try and fall asleep

GOD.. no one knows this side of me.. I hide it so well..  I am 37 year old women, who live in a nice ‘ rented apartment’ who travels and take holidays, I have a good job, I am upbeat 90% of the time.

NO ONE would ever think I would be doing this, wide awake at 1.28am the morning.

BUT  Here we are going into 2019 and still feel like I am trapped in the past.

I am getting older, fatter, and more and more alone.   I can’t even look in the mirror some days.. some days I think I look ugly and old

Im so emotional broken. AND of course, i know WHY. ANd of course nothing I try to do seems to fix it.  Is it depression,?  Because I don’t feel depressed?  I feel… just pissed off that I can’t just GET OVER my stupid daddy issues, and endless running away from any chance of getting hurt or rejected, MY low esteam and that I can stand the thought of anyone seeing the real me.  I have tried therapy and it just didn’t help…

I can’t remember the last time I had sex, and I am in massive amounts of debt that I am hiding

I push away anyone that comes close to me… sometimes someone hits on me – perhaps online, perhaps in person.

IN person – OLD men… or very drunk men who I know think its funny to hit on a fat girl.

online- always men who are younger than me, live with there parents, have no job and really just want to have sex with older women.. and perhaps have ‘sexual’ fantasy about fat women, I find it super creepy.

If there is a guy who finds my brain attractive, and maybe my face.. I always tell them that I fat.. they all say the same thing. ‘ No your not’

Yet, in person, we meet we have a great time but that’s it.. this body.. is not worth seeing in clothes so who would want to see it without any.

 

I think that no one would really notice if I wasn’t here.. I would just be that person that they knew, I think they would say Well it doesn’t surprise me she killed her self.  she hadn’t been with anyone and was single for 10 years.

I mean really what is the point of life if you are doomed to spend it alone.

I can not survive on my own – I know that- once my mother dies –  I think about being in my late 40’s or 50s… still renting a small 1 bedroom and working 60 hour weeks., that I barely can make payments on the loans I have,.. as i get older no one is there to check if I am sick, no one is there  to talk to.

I often think that there I millions of fat women in there 30’s who must feel like me.  and there are millions of fat women who are married and have kids.

WHY CAN’T  I CHANGE ME….?!?!?!

I wonder if maybe I am waiting for real father to die, and my step father to die.. and then maybe I would feel this sense of ok… IT’S done.. everything that they bring up inside… its gone… with them.  I wonder what the reason I am trapped is I think that while they are alive that one word from either of them would fix me.  would heal me.  I have been pretending that they have been dead for years. anyways.  I think my Weight is tied to them hou know.   That them withdrawing love … some part of me went, well if you can’t make the men who raised you to love you why would anyone other man do it. SO FUCK IT.. lets make sure you will never feel pain.

I punish my mother because she just ignored me and let it happen – she placed them above me, and rather then help me she just made it worst but pointing out what a 50’s mother would, YOu will never find a husband if you are fat,  no one will love you like that, OH  sorry I am to busy to talk to you.. .

WOW>. I am so deep on a line of coke at 2am

I am ok.. I am.. I just sometimes.. feel so sorry for myself..  I throw  a pity party… for one.

Till I throw another pity party.

xoxo