NUMB

 Song: florence and the machine seven devils  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=10k3JwZUXlc

Well, I turn it.  30.

I feel…numb….. which is kind of why I can’t write anything.

Troy made me feel alive for the first time in so long- I let him in, but not much.   He used me- I know that, but it doesn’t Hurt like I thought it would.  It didn’t surprize me that he threw me away like that.  Another man that I trusted ( friendship wise) and he just walked over me.  I know now that I can’t ever heal, it wasn’t Troy who did it.  No he was the one that let me really see it.  That the hurt from my past- the parts of me I call ‘broken’ and parts of me that I pray someone to heal, fix and help.  Are gone.  They can’t be repaired.  

It’s up to me now.. to just be ok with that. I wish it was like a movie, that I would met someone and he would fall in love with him and he would fall in love with me.  We would get married and have children and be happy.  But it’s not the case… I need to wake up that I don’t let anyone in enough for that, and I don’t think I can ever again. 

My life is not turning out anyway like I thought it would be, I have reached this place.  I feel like I am the best actress.  I don’t feel anything much anymore. 

I have woken up