normal.

SONG: Cyndi Lauper – Sister of Avalon  http://www.youtube.com/watch

I have spent 3 week’s travelling – London, Newcastle, London (again) New York and LA – Back to Sydney. When I’m on holiday it’s almost as if my soul is happy. I had forgotten, what it felt like. I can’t stand still. This has become clear.

I long for normality, to have a home, a love, children – yet parts of me would love to travel for the rest of my life- but with someone.

Oh but Still there is something about America, where I feel at home. I love it there. I fit. I have such a strong connection. Almost as if in a past life has lived there. It draws me in.. and makes me happy.

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I struggle I know to talk about "good things" in here. It that may be because this is a place where I come to vent all the bad things. I don’t do it so much in my real life. I paint a rather Rosie picture 95% of the time to my friends.

Here is the chance I can just empty out the bad things without feeling judged. Although at times I think people who may read my entries on and off think I am a moaning, self obsessed, person who seems boring and rather "sad" all the time. All round negative

SO my trip.

as not to over indulge my negative side I will just talk about one thing at a time.

London- an eye into my Friends Marriage.

Rachel is my Ex Best Friend. And the reason I call her that is because, she and I are almost so different that it’s hard for us to be in the same room. She is so self obsessed, selfish to the point where she never thinks about anyone else. It’s only about her.

I struggled with this for almost 15 years. During huge life events, She just couldn’t bring herself to be there for me. When Mark left me, Jess Died and when I was held at gun point, she couldn’t bring herself to comfort me. She wasn’t there.

Yet throughout the years, I have always been there for her. Anytime she needed me.

To cut a long story short.

She all but confessed that she is unhappy, she is in a loveless marriage ( she only got married in January) She has said that the only reason she is with her husband is because sometimes you just have to admit to yourself that you can’t "BE" happy.

Part of me holds on to this LOVE thing, that finding a soul mate someone who makes you happy and you make him happy is real. But should I be just looking for someone I can just "live with’ ??

Is love, a myth? At 31 should I admit that it’s time to give up on this and just hope for someone I can tolerate?