Inner cracks showing.

 

SONG: Alanis Morissette : Mary Jane: http://www.youtube.com/watch

 

 

I need to just say it… get it out.

I have such a hard time believing that someone would want to be with me. I don’t trust them. Men lie – to get what they need and what they want. It’s not real.

Tonight, I was out with my girlfriends. All the men who talk to me are drunk. So drunk that they couldn’t even stand. I think to myself.. you may be hitting on me, but if you could see me when your sober you would never talk to me. You would not even give me the time of day.

A boy kissed me tonight, he was cute, he was nice, but he was so drunk he didn’t even ask my name before he kissed me. He was falling over drunk… perhaps when the younger me would of been ok with that. But the Older me… just can’t handle it. Just can’t be with someone if they don’t see the REAL me.

Why do I think like this>?

The problem is when I see myself I see a FAT overweight, rather plan girl. Who would want to be with that? When there are so many attractive people. And HELLO… I live in Sydney … these is where some of the most beautiful people live. My girlfriends are all stunning, and thin. And me… I am this blob.

why on earth would a attractive thin boy.. ever … EVER want to be with someone who is not thin? I feel like that when I am out I am a JOKE that people try and hook up their friend with. I’m THAT girl. THAT girl who a group of guys see and as a joke they say to their Mate, ok I dare you hook up with that FAT girl. Or I am THAT girl who the WING man has to hit on as he has draw the short straw that night, and he has to pretend he’s interested in me so that his friend can hit on my girlfriend.

This feeling goes is with me everywhere I go. I refuse to go on any dates where anyone has no met me in person sober. Internet dating I don’t dare go out with a boy who is not overweight or well "large"

I feel that if I even let my Internet profile be seen by anyone who it not in the box’s that if I accept a date with them, it will just be embarrassing to me. And to them.

I can’t bare to think of a good looking thin guy even touching me.. I’m so ashamed of my body and what I must look like!

I am so mad and upset with myself… for all reasons. For letting myself look this way, for letting myself feel this way, and for letting the Men in my life destroy parts of me that are so broken. And after tonight I am mad because I have only now really seen how much those parts of me are slowly taking away my chance to be happy.

I thought I was not like this.. but when I was questioned by my friends on why I do that.. it means that the inner cracks are showing to the rest of the world.