If Only

Song: Counting Crows Colorblind : http://www.youtube.com/watch

I spent last night with him, we didn’t kiss, we didn’t do anything. He just spooned me most of the night, as close as someone can get. He held me, he breathed me in…. I am confused.. because friendship meets feelings is blurry. I miss having a man in my bed. I miss known that he is there, Last night he made me feel safe and wanted. Feelings I had long since forgotten. It felt right. It felt easy, it felt like I belonged next to him, I wanted to touch him back, but I couldn’t do it for fear that I had read all of it wrong. For fear that this "bed" friend was just that. If I touched back and I was wrong I would lose him.

I feel this connection, almost like he could be my soul mate…, if only I was brave enough to let him in. If only I was willing to tell him that I liked him. If only I wasn’t so scared to be with such a good looking hansom man, who is incredible. I sound like a record player, but he’s smart and we have so much in common. He’s perfect. If only I wasn’t this person on the outside. I know we would be together. I wish I could flirt with him, I wish I didn’t keep everything just platonic.

He went on a date with some 23 year old 5’1 50kg miss perfect today. He told me where he was taking her this is date number 2. He took her on a dream date on Thursday, they slept together. I wish I was her, I wish I was young like that again. I have never been that thin, I have never been lusted over. Wait- I take that back, once when I lost 10-15kgs in London. I felt great, I felt I when I walked into a room boys looked at me. That was when I was 23. Now… I am blob, I am worthless and ugly.. and just well nothing special.

Is this all in my head? I catch him saying things to me, that could be taken as something more. I feel him looking at me longer then normal friends look.. he listens to me.. I Feel him wondering if I am worth being with,, Is it worth being with someone who is everything I am looking for, but not on the outside?

No no… I am wrong, so so wrong.. this just me doing this romantic movie wish.

I have this need to surround myself with boys. In wounded, or broken men. I then make it my mission to fix him, I over involve myself in their life as if I was this mesh of a sister and mother. I always push the friendship to breaking point. In a space of a year I have lost 2 close guy friendships over this overinvoledness.

Tomorrow marks the start of a new life. I feel numb about this. I have spent almost $6000 on 2 week weight loss retreat. Tomorrow I will drive 2 hours north to where I will begin to work out for 6 hours a day. Biggest Loser style. I wanted to go for a month, but I couldn’t afford.

Why do I feel this way.. why am I so numb, it is because I think I will fail? Is it because I don’t want to think about this? Is it because if it doesn’t work I will have admit to myself that I will be alone?

I don’t like this life much, I want to be that 23year old 5’1 50kg girl, who is most likely making love to my soul mate.