I slept with him

Song: Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush: Don’t Give up http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uiCRZLr9oRw&feature=fvst

I slept with Troy on Saturday…. I like him.. well I have a ‘crush’ on him. He’s sweet and kind. It’s been a long time since I have felt that way about someone.

I really can’t explain how easy it is between us….I’m so scared that my feelings are more then a crush

it’s just so complicated if we were to well see each other… it’s like a big dramatic saga.

1) Kim: She and I have been friends since we were 15. Her and Troy dated for 7 years and only broke up late year. I have never EVER in my my life been with someone else that a friend has been with. Although she has moved on and is now in a better relationship with Steve, she is living with him. No matter what… I don’t think she will be upset, but I just think it’s just a hard situation

2) I know the reasons why Kim and Troy broke up – he doesn’t want to get married or have children. And I want those things- so is there a point of start on this road if I already know these things about him.

3) We have a close circle of friends- this is going to be a rather big bombshell to all of them. The only two single people in the group hooking up. Troy doesn’t know how insane that gossip in the group can get. Having already decided to tell one member of our group, she seemed to already think we had slept together.. which is code for, well everyone is already talking about.

When I am with Troy I feel such a strong connection with him. But yet I know he’s struggling to find himself like I am. We are both suck in this place where we are alone surrounded by couples. Life is at a stand still, and nothing seems to be working. I don’t really know how he feels about me.

I think he likes me but at the same time I think he’s careful not to reveal to much to more to me. I think he just wants fun- someone to hang out with, but is like me scared that if we spend to much time together it could turn into something more.. and neither of us really want that. Our hearts have been broken to much already. The more time we spend together the more we let our walls come down, on Saturday Troy told me things that I never knew.. and I bit by bit let him see some of my full on crazy.

I feel that he’s smart, charming, funny, thin, tall and not bad looking. He could find someone who is just so much more together then I am, who doesn’t spend hours hiding who she really is.. The broken me.. I am to unattractive, boring, and fat for him.

So with all of that on the table I am going to do something I have never done before… IGNORE those feelings of insures, of planning or scandal.

IN 16 days I am 30- till then… I’m going to tell Roy that it’s all about Fun! After 16 days… then I will think about these problems and address them.. and most likely put an end to it

But it is nice to sleep in someone’s arms, and to feel, well liked.. and safe and excited.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0ETHaR_6e8