Hope

Song:  Avril Lavigne – Im with you http://www.youtube.com/watch

Everything seems so far away, when you lose your hope.   There are times when I am so lonely that hope escape’s me.

My broken soul controls me, it’s reflected in every aspect of my life.  A never ending amount of people in my life get married, have children, and their life moves forward.  I am still stuck.  Not moving forward.

I "slept" in the same bed with Sam on Thursday Night. Nothing happend.. he tried to touch me.. and somewhere inside of me wanted him to. But I couldn’t.  The thought of him touching my overweight body is just not something I want him to see. To touch to feel. I hate that I feel that about myself.

He doesn’t want "ME" anyways.. ..  He is this tall, skinning, sweet, good looking guy.  Younger then me.. I am almost 5 years older, I am fatter, and I am his friend.  The moment I let him in, the moment I want our friendship to become more.. I will lose him.

I can’t do it.  He must stay just a friend.. 

I feel like I have gone out on never ending dates with losers who I deem are in my leauge. I am on dating website two.  One I have "picked" clear of "larger guys" the other websites keep matching me with underwear modles, sufers and professnoal althletic types.  None of them would ever in a million years want to date me.

I’m 30.. and 31 is two weeks away.  I can’t stop it.  My entries in here are the same, year in and year out.  The moment I left Mark.. my life ended… and I can’t get back.

The hope that I will find someone, who will see me fades…