Hold on

Song: Hold on by Pearl Jam https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egoftWGlCAA

I spend my life repeating myself. I know I do this. I know I am trapped. I guess some days I feel better than others.   I try internet dating/apps, I talk with a nice guy, we flirt but then this thing inside of me. I know its coming and I know I do it, yet I can’t stop myself..  this feeling.. this fear.  I hear things from inside of me like… if he sees you in person he will not like you, you don’t deserve to be loved, YOU ARE WORTHLESS, YOU ARE NOTHING, you are too FAT. Your not beautiful, he will just reject you, STOP yourself from feeling the pain. TOO FAT. No one wants to have sex with you. NO ONE whats to be seen with you. YOU ARE FAT, YOU ARE OLD TO OLD, its too late for you….  So even though I tell these men I am Fat, they see *ok photos – because I pick ones that are not too fat. I can’t let myself go on dates with them. So then I do something that is crazy. I convince them and myself that I am not worth their time.   Conversations are the same- I may have done this at least 100 times in the last 10 years.

My fear – and me being broken has gotten worst.   I fear that as I am 4 years away from 40 that if I don’t get better I will end my life.  I never wanted to be this person, I don’t want to spend my life alone. Fat, with no one to love no children.

I know people will say – that all I need to do is lose weight – but clearly, my issues are waaaaaaaay deeper than just weight. My issues are with men who have hurt me to my core that I am unable to recover. Trust.. and faith they are not part of who I am.

I don’t trust anyone any longer.

Being alone this long and seeing Friends ignore me, and get on with their lives is hard.   If I was gone it wouldn’t really matter to many. I was just someone they once knew. The fat, funny girl.

I try and HOLD on, everyday.