Gray Gardens

Song: Civil Twilight – Letters from the Sky http://www.youtube.com/watch

Days go past, when no one calls me but my mother. I feel like I am going towards a character of  Gray Gardens, and the end of my life is going to be spent looking after my mother. Her BIG Eddie, and me the once beautiful, once charming and charismatic Little Eddie the spinster.

I have hundreds of friends.. I have close friends. But it’s like I am the only person on the planet. None of them think of me. But Why would they? They have their own person to care about. And that’s the way it should be. I also think I have managed to convince them that i’m never alone. That I’m "always" busy. I do lie to them at times to make them think that I am not alone. I tell them I have been out with someone else. When really I have only left the house to go to the shopping mall by myself, or to go for a drive. Just so they don’t see the REAL me.

As the days and years turn by, I start to think this is my life. I am this person, who acts so self assured.. bubbly and funny.. and caring.

This is actress me, that I think I will play forever. The single women, who yes is alone, but she’s ok. She’s got her friends who see her through… NO thats a lie.. ON Sex and the City they never showed this.. the bit when all your friends are paired up yet your still, alone. The bit where there isn’t anyone to date. The bit when you want to meet someone but YOU being you just will not let the someone in.

On my own.. wishing and wanting things that I know I can’t ever have. I have moments when I feel that things are changing, but then I pull myself back into old habits. As if it’s my fate. Like I am doomed to repeat this.

It’s 8pm on a Saturday night and I am on my way out to be with my Friends. All Couples.. I put on such a great show.. sometimes perhaps some of the wall that I build comes down. It shocks me that someone notice’s it.

Sam noticed it- the moment he tries to go down that path I panic. It’s hard to explain.. It’s like I am backed into a corner and I am trapped. There is no way out. It’s freaks me out. I look for ways to escape. Changing the subject, or blaming it on Work or something else. When all else fails hormone is always a good go to. But really it’s everything, it’s that I am sad, I am unable to find someone to heal me. I know it’s my fault that I am this way,.. but I can’t fix it.

When I see Gray Gardens, I see Little Eddie as this women who gave up on love and life, she was broken by people. Her Mother saw that and used it for her advantage, my mother is the same. She loves that I am broken, and she pulls me back every time… I see it now, I see why Little Eddie would do what she did.

The problem is, I could never do that. SO what is my options>? What is left….

The actress… is ready for her close up now.