FADE INTO YOU

Fade into you: http://www.youtube.com/watch

The lyrics from this song, makes want to feel.  Makes me want to find someone to be part of.  To fade into.

"In your heart in your head in your arms in your bed under your skin -Til there’s no way to know where you end and where I begin
I wanna melt in I wanna soak through I only wanna move when you move I wanna breathe out when you breathe in then I wanna fade into you"

I post on my facebook wall – thinking that he may notice..   I know he must think about me, he likes me I can feel it.  He thinks that I smart and funny and kind of pretty, but my body; the outside of me stops him.  I  feel it from him.

I have just spent 7,000 on 10 days of Weight loss retreat.  My mother still doesn’t think it’s worth it.  She already thinks I will fail.  

I leave on Sunday.  

I have emotions that range from scared  to brave, to finally having a place that I can open up my wounds to.  My Eating is the worst it has ever been.  I need help.. but this help for me, is ignored by the biggest life force in my life.  She doesn’t care what I say, she doesn’t pay attention she says and does what she wants.. I can’t stop her from making me feel the way I feel.  Nor can I stop my step dad from ignoring me and making me feel worthless.

Friday also marks 4 years since Jess passed away.  I have days thinking about how I wish I could trade with her.  Part of my Soul died when she died, the other parts of me drop away…. I have just walked around in a daze for the last 4 years.  Really no direction not doing anything.  My life is numb.. a shadow… it was all moving ahead but 2008 distroyed the last part of me.  I pour my feelings out here, but still get up tomorrow like nothing is wrong.  I act ok..  I think I have talked myself into thinking this is moving forward; meanwhile I am standing still.  It hurts the most when people around me seem to me on this train, and I am forever wishing and want to have that.  Yet I can’t! 

I want to fade away sometimes..