Escape.

Song: Bette Milder In my life http://www.youtube.com/watch

 

There are days when I just want to escape, Just walk out of my life.

There are moments of true happiness and then there are moments that have such pain that I think how do people live through this.

I had one nightmare about the crash, but it was more about that I should of done more for the guy, rather then just panic.

I leave on Monday to the UK.. 3 weeks.. London, New York and LA.. Of course I have 36 hours of travel to do. ( I like to go the long way) but at least I have been upgraded.

after the Earthquakes back in my hometown, I text my old girlfriends to make sure they were ok.. One of them announced she’s pregnant, and of course the last to know my "so called" best friends from home – you would be mistaken to think I live on MARS or that New Zealand was still stuck in 1980 with the lack of correspondence I get from them. I don’t know what I feel. I don’t know if I care or if it’s more that I am so used to being left out of their life’s that it’s numbness I feel now.

Gemma has said, that I keep doing the same thing hoping for difference results. I do this with almost every relationship I know. Including my parents.

When I turned 30… I changed one thing…I used to go back to new zealand at least 6 times a year. But last year I made a clear step to not go back at all.

Going back home would stress me out for days before the trip. I would plan every event around not being at the house anyway, It would disappointed me if someone canceled. My trips used to last for a week or more, but as I become more and more aware I would change it to 2 days at the most. Christmas for one I have panic attacks just thinking about it, the fights and yelling and the feeling my parents have towards me. I feel like I am nothing when I am at home.

Which brings me to my parents.

This trip marks the first time we have all been together in a long time. All my family in the North East and my mum and step dad.

When I booked this trip back to the UK, I forgot that my parents would be there also. Now as I get closer to the time I am starting to feel anxious.

 

 

 

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